Black Metal 101: Building Your Online Presence
666 hails warbrothers! Do you wish to cultivate your online image to build your black metal cred? You need this guide.
Facebook is the #1 social media platform on earth for connecting friends and loved ones and allowing them to share the precious moments of their lives with each other. It’s no wonder trve black metal warriors love it! What better way to connect the grim and hateful hearts of the Satanic than with Mr. Zuckerberg’s wonderful app? But hold on just a moment there, Lvcifer Goatshitt. You can’t just create a profile with “Studied at: Skool of Hard Knocks” and “Works at: Black Metal Underground” and expect to make friends immediately. You need to carefully curate your Facebook profile to maximize the amount of black metal friends you can make. Let’s focus on each of the essential elements of your profile to create a social media experience that is undeniably krieg.
Your Black Metal Name
You were probably born with a Christian name like Tyler Doofschitz but none of the cool metal kids on the Internet need to know that. For all they know, you were ripped screaming from the loins of Satan, your moniker shrieked from his lips as his ballsack burst like a leathery piñata. “Warfukker Cronos”, he screamed, “Ow, my balls!”
But maybe you’re not fully prepared to choose a totally original black metal nom de plume. Perhaps you should consider a well-trodden path like the followers of the Kaos clan.
I know what you’re thinking. “Kaos? That’s all well and good but it’s not nearly edgy enough for a tuff black metal cat like me.” But of course, mon frére. Perhaps we can bring monsieur something subtly racist? Perhaps something in a BURZUM WERWOLF?
Your Black Metal Profile Photo
Perhaps the most essential visual element of your entire Facebook profile, you simply NEED a striking photograph. But there are so many options! You can literally upload a photo of anything and have it represent your entire being.
If black metal is about one thing, it’s about total fucking unholy sonic destruction. If black metal is about two things, it’s total fucking unholy sonic destruction and cosplay. Put on your finest hoodie, a few bullet belts, some spikes, and brandish a weapon. Have your friend or caretaker shoot a couple of photos of you showing off your lack of trigger discipline in the woods or against a freshly laid drywall. Necro-tastic!
Don’t have any friends nearby? Just take a grainy selfie with the web camera aiming directly at your chins. That’s a power angle!
Don’t want the authorities to know what your face looks like? You can always just be a cartoon of a big tiddy Nazi lady. You’re the master race, no one can stop you!
Your Black Metal Location
You’ve already alienated everyone you grew up with and no one on the internet thinks it’s cool that you were born in Eugene, Oregon. It’s time to write your own origin story. Fortunately, this is a pretty simple task. You’ve only got two options for your hometown. You can choose Fucking, Austria:
or Hell, Norway.
Full support to HELL HELL and HELL MAN for their commitment to the bit. Be more like these ESL black metal warriors.
Your Black Metal Intro
Facebook allows you to write a brief introduction to new friends. This is an opportunity to put your best foot forward and allow the world to see what you’re all about.
This profile gives us a striking insight into the unique soul within. It as if his profile speaks to us, “Let’s get two things straight: Number one? Genocide kicks ass. Number two? Runes. Does it matter what they mean? Fuck no! I just make some fuckin’ runes, man. I got runes all over the goddamn place.”
“Greetings! Tolerance is bullshit, let’s be friends!”
This profile lets us know the owner loves black metal and is also very, very confused. Extra kvlt points!
Sometimes it helps to be picky with new friends. John lets us know that he’s open to new friendships – but hold on just one gosh darn moment – Jews need NOT apply.
Your Black Metal Hails
True black metal warriors embrace emptiness. Cold desolation. The void. They walk a solitary, left hand path. No need for the company of sheep or poseurs. But even the most evil nekro terrorists get lonely too. That’s why you’re on Facebook! Use this social media platform to meet like-minded collaborators. But not so fast! You can’t just reach out and exclaim, “Howdily-doodily” to just any Fukkhard Goatcrafft. You’ve gotta learn the lingo to let your new friend know that you’re cool. You’re with it. You also own a M8l8th album.
Allow me to translate this interaction. “88” is a reference to the number of horse friends in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Christián is letting Vlad know that friendship is magic and that he values his friendship. Vlad, in turn, embraces his new pal with a friendly, “Hails!”
This gentleman caller has just found the profile of a true aryan black metal thot. His greeting combines hugs and kisses and evil. All that Satan has made him thirsty af.
Finally, Steve has innovated a new way of saying hey to a black metal buddy with this neat little inversion of “Hail 666” and “Heil 88”. A true trendsetter.
Do you have any tips to make the most friends on Facebook. Share them below!