Breaking: LASER FLAMES ON THE GREAT BIG NEWS!
Greg: Welcome back to The Great Big News, our producers have promised us that tonights show sounds like “rock, country, power-pop, grindcore, death metal, sludge, and doom”. Exciting stuff.
Don: I don’t know about all that. In fact, I don’t know about ANY of that. But it’s certainly not a great big pile of flaming shit.
Greg: Woah, I hope our editors are hot on that censor button today. It seems that Don has dipped into the gin before the broadcast again.
Don: Fuck you too, Greg!
Greg: And now to today’s top story: Laser Flames on the Great Big News!
Don: That’s right Greg. “31 Years” ago, a scientist starting putting together his death ray in an abandoned warehouse outside Nashville, only today giving it its first full-on demonstration. Our reporters on the scene described it as a lush, rock-obliterating burner that has a playfulness about it, despite its dark purpose.
Greg: Wait, we had someone on the scene and we didn’t contact the authorities?
Don: You square. Read the next story.
Greg: A country music festival was canceled after one day due to the invasion of a protest group who remotely plugged into the system and kept throwing infectious riffs in between the twangy goodness that those idiot fake-cowboys came for.
Don: The crowd was thoroughly confused by the duality that experts eventually called “good music”. They stormed the stages to shut down the unholy collaboration and hundreds were injured in the stampede.
Greg: Our hearts go out to those who will fall into financial despair due to their injuries.
Don: Later tonight, we will meet up with a promising young leader who has started up a community spoken word poetry event in the park, which is set to take place ritually every Tuesday night. She speaks over reverberating metallic hardcore riffs, giving a truly spectacular emotional performance.
Greg: Oh! Well, that’s good news for a change! It’s nice that an arts community is burgeoning amid all this chaos.
Don: Indeed it is Greg! A major draw of these events is that the leader performs a different Satanic verse each night in hopes of summoning the great Beelzebub himself, and all those in attendance will be saved from his wrath. No luck so far, but she did get very close at the end of her last attempt.
Greg: Jesus Christ…
Don: Speaking of, a street corner preacher predicts the return of the “Beloved” son of God by the end of next week, citing an ancient scroll he found in the sewers under Fifth avenue.
Greg: Oh, I have seen some of his sermons. He can really gather a crowd with his alt-rockstar style before slowing things down for an emotional appeal. Just when you get the gist of his abilities, he absolutely BLASTS you with harsh screams and thunderous percussion.
Don: He sure is a treasure of this great city.
Greg: Our final story tonight circles back to fire. A high-rising fire on the north side built up very slowly, nearly going out in a beautiful fashion a few times, before returning to form and shredding up the building.
Don: It was a spectacular scene that killed all the posers living inside.
Greg: We can’t call people who died in a fire “posers”, Don.
Don: Sure we can, since none of them were fans of The Great Big News!
Greg: You have a point
Don: And that’ll do it for tonight’s news. Stay tuned for Survivor: Volatile Volcano Edition on next.