Flush It Friday: Burnt Edition
“The heat is on” – Eddie Murphy [1984].
Friday is/was here! Let’s get down to the usual proceedings as we flush this last week down the gurgler.
Good: Our son smiled at me for the first time ever today.
Bad: I’ve been feeling terrible lately. Worst I’ve been for at least 5 years. I feel like an arsehole because I have a roof over my head, a loving wife, and our first child, but it still sucks feeling so despondent all the time. Depression seems to be drawing me back in to its grip. But I don’t want to bog everyone down with that shit, so I’ll share a trivial anecdote instead.
On Wednesday night I cooked up a quick meal for us, one that required the use of an inconspicuous red chilli. Mrs Lizard doesn’t really enjoy spicy food so we don’t choose overly hot meals. If we ever pick something that requires a tonne of chilli I generally leave it out of the main mix and put some on mine at the end. This particular meal was sesame chicken with chilli & plum sauce, so the chilli was integral and needed to be used from the start. No problem, we don’t buy super hot ones anyway, just regular old red or green chillies. Now I know by now many of you from the USA are getting shitty that I’m not calling them chili, chili pepper, or peppers. Fuck you. Pepper comes from various Piper spp. of plants. The peppers you refer to are the fruit from Capsicum spp. of plants, which tend to be called Capsicums in other parts of the world (we’re weird like that). Chillies are also in this genus, they’re essentially hot little capsicums. But you already know this, your ancestors just chose to obfuscate the terms for a laugh. Anyway, as many of you know, the main compound which gives the hot flavour to these fruits has the common name of capsaicin. You might have accidentally brushed it on your skin after cutting some up, or maybe you’ve been sprayed with it after getting caught at a Trump rally being all not white n’ shit, either way, you know that this stuff can burn your damn face off.
In the past, if I knew I was going to be cutting up a bunch of them I’d put on some gloves. I cook a lot. Complacency is a bitch. I decided to raw-dawg it. Hey! I washed my hands afterwards, I did the right thing. Dinner was quite hot; she barely finished hers. A litre of beer and over an hour later, I brushed my nose. First mistake…face in flames. After enduring about 15 minutes of solid schnoz melt, I decided to blanket the area with some Aloe vera gel crap we have for sunburn. This didn’t really help much, the chemicals had already soaked in, but it kinda smelled nice. So I went back to the bathroom to put on some hand sanitiser with the intention of dissolving/extracting the remaining capsaicin from my hands and then washing them to get rid of it. Cool. Done. While, I’m in here, I may as well use the opportunity to do a piss…
Ugly: SPONTANEOUS DONGBUSTION!
“The heat is on, it’s on my dick” – An Idiot [2016].
The Meal
Miscellaneous Hot Dongs
Metal: Resisting the urge to post Inferno again here (even though it’s apt af). Instead, I’ll offer a flame track from a killer Swedish band of Dissection/Sacramentum/Vinterland’s ilk. This 1994 song is the final track off the first of their two albums. You should definitely listen to the whole album while burning through the last hours of this week. It’s 
So now it’s your turn. Good, bad, ugly, and metal – GO!
