Riff ov the Week: AWOL (ov Death) Edition


3/4 of the bowligarchy have gone AWOL but thar still be rrrriffs!

This week it seems that the infamous Russian super-villain has struck again and rendered the Masterlord incapacitated! We know not the severity of his plight, and have sent the closest editor in proximity, the esteemed Dubya, to his aid. The ex-president literally jumped at the chance of potentially putin a rogue Ruski in his place. Is Ruski an offensive term? Even if it is, good. In this case, I have no sympathy for whatever happens to this particular savage Slavic scoundrel. Meanwhile, Joe was last seen heading into a dentist yesterday for the first time in a while. Originally intending just to have his wisdom teeth taken out, it is now believed that after a few deep breaths of nitrous oxide he decided to also have a few of his front teeth removed. These were to be replaced with giant rodent-like incisors, thus commencing the first step in his life-long dream of metamorphosis into his ideal life-form, the capybara.


Pictured: Joe… probably

All this means I had to break into the toiletovhellriff@gmail.com email account and post the riffs you fine/filthy animals sent in last week. This also means I’m going to take it upon myself to choose a theme for next week. So, I’m declaring next week Southern Hemisphere riff week. Send your riffs to the aforementioned email address including your chosen name, a brief description of the riff, and a link to the riff with a time-stamp. Last week, Tom Warrior’s Beanie stunk the most, obliterating a couple more olfactory organs than the mysterious caveman Gorak, and our favourite Ukrainian Tertius Decimus. Tom, you win a free wash, courtesy of yourself. Let’s get to this week’s riffs!

Howard Dean

Funny sample? Check. Bass drop? Check. Disgustingly deep gurgles over
a maelstrom of skullcrushing slams? Check. Did I just submit a slam
riff to a RotW competition? You’re fucking right I did. Is this song
about fucking corpses? You bet. Am I a stupid Cro-Magnon man? I’m
actually more of a Neanderthal, but you’re not incorrect. Start at
0:49 and feel slightly ashamed of yourself.


A fellow toileteer on The Bookface Social Experiment turned me onto this gem, and it`s definitely in my SUPER SERIAL IMPORTANT SET-IN-STONE TOP 10 OF 2016 METAL.  Apparently this is their sophomore effort, and I`m going to have to go back and check out their old stuff.  Very cool proggy death metal with some interesting synth and keyboard moments thrown in–but when the riffs come, they come hard (giggle.)  The title track off The Northern Sanctuary is fantastic, with the first big riff smacking your face off at around 3:02, weaving its way back in and out as the track progresses. Then even cooler up-and-down chugging riff hits at 8:35.  Great stuff.

Tertius Decimus

When this band appeared at the horizon, there were chances this will be the future of black metal, but soon the band split up in virtually unknown status. Start the riff at the start.

Shakes 999

Sinister like the guy who reserves a table for 1 at Chuck-E-Cheese. (@ 8:20)


These Argentinians don’t expect you to cry for them with this bazooka-fisted mosher. Riffs are all throughout, but the best starts at 2:45 and goes from there.

Jack Bauer

This riff, from what is currently my favorite Black Metal album of the year just fucking CRUSHES.  There’s a short little solo that precedes it which starts around 5:05 and then the RIFF SHOWS UP TO FUCKING DESTROY YOU  around 5:12 and then the drums kick in while the riff continues and its ram everyone off the road get the fuck out of my way im going 20 over the speed limit time.


This is sort of a strange choice, but please give it a chance. This 90-second song is a ripper, featuring awesome dynamics, catchy hooks, swell drumming, and blistering guitar solos with lots of sweet tapping. Blast the riff at 0:16 (and again at 1:18) and let me know whether it makes you feel like you’re riding a motorcycle triumphantly across the field of battle amid exploding enemy troops or blasting across the sky in a jetpack powered by your impressive fighting spirit and overwhelming sexual prowess.


I originally hadn’t planned to submit, but since I’m at home half-fucked-up on flu medication putting this damn thing together on my Saturday afternoon for you mugs, I may as well join in. Judging by the other entries here, W’s instructions of “just a regular 2016 riff week” from last week were a little too ambiguous, as some of you have submitted riffs from 2016 and others have not. Rather than exclude a few of your entries, I have chosen to portray a (completely false) façade of benevolence and include all submissions. However, I will not take my chances that you, the voting populace, will do the same, so I’ll choose a riff from a 2016 album anyway. I mini-reviewed this AWESOME debut album a couple of weeks ago from Chilean band Henosis. Riff @ 3:09.

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