Flush it Friday: Shut Your Fucking Mouth Edition

This week marks my first Flush it Friday. Well, proper one anyway; my other edition was a positive post. Today, I have to bring an important issue to your attention. This problem affects 100’s of millions of people every single day, sometimes multiple times per day, and has been happening since the dawn of humanity. Yet, for some reason it continues into the modern age. Even the mighty influential forces of science and religion combined haven’t seemed to quell its proliferation, and it doesn’t take the GDP of a small nation to fix. All you have to do is listen.

This problem has plagued my mind and wreaked havoc on my nerves ever since I was young. A few years ago I launched a social media campaign to raise awareness in a last ditch attempt to abate this epidemic. This proved futile as my reach was limited. The only way we can stop this menace is through our combined vigilance. We must band together and fight. This year will mark the 3rd year since I started the International “Eat With Your Fucking Mouth Closed” Day.

Scoff you may, but this is more important than roughly 33% of the “International blah” Days that seem to occupy the entire rest of the calendar. These lesser days receive news segments and street parades. All I seek is silence. This is not too much to ask. People who eat with their mouths open should be exiled to Macquarie Island. Like with music, I’ve divided these repellent degenerates into a few categories for ease of identification:

• Last Bite Lip-Smackers – You know the ones. They think they’ve done the right thing by chewing with their mouth shut until it comes time to take the next bite of food and they open prematurely. If you’re not going to finish the job properly, don’t fucking bother.
• Finger-licking Fuckwits – Guess what? You can clean your fingers without making that insidious slurping sound as you reach the end of your decrepit phalanges and your lips touch, just as they remove the countless in vivo bacterial colonies you’ve been cultivating under your finger nails. And I don’t mean you need to do it with a paper towel. In case you hadn’t already realised, your lips can move. Wrap them around the finger and you don’t even need to slurp, you pathetic scumbag. If this is too much for you, and you simply must engage in this heinous act, DO IT ONCE! You don’t need to do it every time you stuff the food in your mouth sans cutlery. YOU’RE ABOUT TO TOUCH THE SAME FOOD AGAIN, RIGHT NOW! WHY ARE YOU CLEANING YOUR FINGERS? Is it so the food doesn’t think you’re dirty before you pick it up? Food doesn’t think, but we do, and we think you’re an inconsiderate fuckstain.
• The Chompers – These pricks just straight-up don’t care. They know what they’re doing and are essentially culinary terrorists. Treat with extreme prejudice.

I first noticed my distaste for this phenomena when my brother, 9 years my junior, started doing it at the dinner table. He was annoying anyway but this put me over the edge. I complained. Then, because humans suck, he decided to use it as a means to upset me whenever he saw fit. Needless to say, he’s dead now I moved out of home as soon as possible. Now I understand not everyone is perfect and we all have our flaws, but this one is pretty easy to remedy. I have had sinusitis for most of my life and can barely breathe through my nose at the best of times, so I’ve had to work my way around managing to balance my intake of air to food. Some of you might have other problems, but for most of humanity, it’s pretty simple to avoid. Here are the top 5 ways to tell if you are part of the problem –

1. There’s this annoying noise that only seems to happen when you eat.

2. People stare at you menacingly during meal times.

3. There is food exiting your mouth while you chew.

4. You’ve become the subject of what you perceive to be unwarranted hatred.

5. Your fucking mouth is open while you eat.

A recent study from the University of Notthinghamshire concluded that 97% of people who eat with their mouth open are useless at life. Pretty damning scientific evidence right there. Christianity is also against it according to the Ten Commandments. Thou Shalt Not Steal. By eating with your mouth open you’re essentially stealing our collective will to live. Moses may as well have brought down a flashing neon sign saying “Thou Shalt Shut Thy Damn Mouth.” 

As you can see from my diatribe, I could go on for days, which in reality, I already have. All I ask is that next time you hear/see one of these primitive pieces of shit violating common decency, ACT! Conversely, if you think you might be one of these subhuman miscreants violating the Geneva convention of eating, you should consider the effect you’re having on your loved ones. Or just do us all a favour and hop on the next Japanese Whaling Vessel heading to Macquarie Island.

It’s Flush it Friday. Do your thing.

Also, remember to join us next week for the ‘”top smashing your cutlery on the plate, you klutz” Edition.

(Image via, via)

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!