I Stan For Bands in my DMs

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Dear Breno,

How’s it going bro? Here’s a link to my new music.

I worked real hard, rehearsed for months, I can’t wait for you to review it.

Hell if you wrote it in your goofy style, I’d def appreciate it

Don’t worry bro, got nerves a steel, go ahead — pretend to hate it!

I even got download code special just for you:

E-X-J-Y-3-6-4-0-6-9-8-2

But if you wanna buy it on Bandcamp? Limited time for Name Your Price!

So if you threw a buck or two my way that would be super nice.

See right now I’m stuck checking out customers at some shitty liquor store

But if enough people buy my album I might not have to anymore

If all you did was spread the word to get it heard I know my sales would be absurd

The lines of metal genre blurred by this nerd who ain’t part of the herd.

It’s sort of like a blend of grind, thrash, hardcore, death and black.

I know it’s right up your alley dude, lookin forward to hearin back!

Cheers!

 

My tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all

The morning rain clouds up my window, and I can’t see at all

And even if I could it would all be gray, but your picture on my wall

It reminds me that it’s not so bad, it’s not so bad

 

Dear Uncle Bren,

Hey it’s me again, why haven’t I heard back from you?

I’m just messaging to see when we can schedule that podcast interview

I have a lot to say about my new album and all my different feelings

Like how you ghosting me kinda hurts, but no worries dude, I’m dealing

My albums getting plenty of buzz, my PR guy sent it to Noisey n’ Metal Sucks

So if y’all ain’t got time for bands like us, I really don’t give two fucks

It’s just that I’ve always been a real huge fan of you and all your writing

And the thought of my music getting your approval was just really exciting

Enough about these tears I’m fighting

How about you hit me back with your full name, city, street and state?

So I can send you a free t-shirt, sticker, patch and cassette tape

That way once I make it big, get signed and play in your town

I’ll know exactly where to find you to grab a beer whenever you’re down

Peace

 

My tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all

The morning rain clouds up my window, and I can’t see at all

And even if I could it would all be gray, but your picture on my wall

It reminds me that it’s not so bad, it’s not so bad

 

DEAR MISTER TOO COOL TO REPRESENT THE UNDERGROUND,

Now you’re gonna wish you took the time to pass my stuff around!

Check this out you asshole, from a promo on a blog that’s a bigger deal:

“Overlooking their logo from dafont.com, the sample drums almost sounded real…”

I made it big without you, done more in my life than you’ll ever accomplish

Recorded the next great metal album while you’re still living with your mom, bitch!

All my friends bought my record, and you didn’t, so what’s that make you?

JUST ANOTHER HATER WHO DIDN’T BELIEVE IN ME OR WHAT I DO

JUST ANOTHER POSER WHO CAN’T APPRECIATE METAL THAT IS TRUE

JUST ANOTHER CHEAP LAZY FUCK SKIPPING SHOWS AT THE LOCAL VENUE

Think of what woulda been, what coulda been, the liner notes I woulda thanked you in

The exposure I woulda gotten you, woulda spread y’all around like oxygen

But don’t bring me up to your blogger friends now, it’s too late, FUCK THE REST A YA

I’ve made it now. I have arrived.

Just inked a deal with Via Nocturna.

UNFOLLOWED.

 

My tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all

The morning rain clouds up my window, and I can’t see at all

And even if I could it would all be gray, but your picture on my wall

It reminds me that it’s not so bad,

it’s not so bad

 

— Brenocide \,,/

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