Review: Frozen Moon – Legend of East Dan II EP

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Over 25 years ago, a little Norwegian band by the name of Mayhem (you may have heard of them) once posited the existence of a “Freezing Moon.” Now, the uneducated among you may have believed the “freezing” portion referred to the moon giving off extreme cold, causing a freezing effect external to itself. But those with trve vndergrovnd know-ledge, like myself, are possessors of the most arcane secrets: “Freezing Moon” described a process, a becoming, an evolution in the state of the moon itself. That process is now complete, the moon is frozen, and it has taken hold in the tundras of China.

Whence comes this EP of Frozen Moon, the sequel to the original Legend of one Eastside Daniel, according to its title. I don’t know anything about Eastside Daniel and have not investigated his past or the prior EP. Nor do I intend to. Legend of Eastside Daniel II needs no such introduction. Much like Troll 2, its existence is independent of any predecessor, its genius justifies itself without further inquiry or reference.

Whether this genius is intentional or not is up for debate but, ultimately, unimportant, intention being an optional quality of genius. Some things simply spring fully-formed as if they were created by the cosmos and transported down for some blessed individual to unearth and share with the world. Perhaps, we are unready for such sacred treasures. Perhaps, we are unworthy. Perhaps, when a light as bright as the Frozen Moon shines down, we will recoil in pain, our eyes unprepared, unevolved enough to receive it.

Regardless of our collective readiness, Frozen Moon is here to pat us gently on the head and smile like a benevolent parent at their idiot, slack-jawed children. We may drool all over ourselves, fill our diapers, and roll the food in our mouths before ejecting it onto our cute little Oshkosh B’gosh mini-overalls. We may not be good enough for our Frozen Moon parents. In all likelihood, we are not good enough. But they are here for us and they love us. For they have delivered the legend that is Legend of Eastside Daniel II.

Intrepid readers will note we are on the fifth paragraph yet nary a word on what this record sounds like. Fool! Knave! Frozen Moon is beyond description. It is beyond language. There will be times when you listen and wonder to yourself “why would they choose to make sounds like this? Surely, the lead singer knows he can’t hit notes that high.” You might even think that on the first track, “Heyday of East Dan,” where the clean vocals are so comically off-key I was crying laughing. (If I knew how to make footnotes, this would be a footnote: the vocalist is the same as Vengeful Spectre, which has gotten some love this year.)

You may also find yourself thinking “what the fuck is that electronic kazoo-sounding thing? It is insanely irritating.” Ah, yes. Indeed, you may so wonder. But fear not. For all things Frozen Moon are carefully considered and in their place, exactly where and when they should be. The wizard arrives precisely when he means to.

Several may take umbrage with the swag-laden groovery that is far more hair than black, dripping with sex and tight vinyl pants with cucumbers in the crotch. How can they do this and mix it with a blend of psych and prog with some Emperor-like keyboards? Will they also throw in some “folk instruments” (type undisclosed) to let us know that this is, indeed, a record from China? You bet your sweet ass they will do all of that and more.

“Porkins,” you may say, “a lot of these things sound like they suck. Why would you tell me about a thing that sucks?” Well, life is complicated, I would tell you. A good bit of this EP should suck; Frozen Moon walks a very fine line that teeters on abject disaster. In isolation, many aspects of this record would make me want to die (see, e.g., the kazoo thing). But together (TOGETHER!) they combine into a goofy playful Voltron of ridiculous power, an unholy and very, very confused spawn of something like Sigh and Emperor but Chinese and drunk.

I don’t know, man. No score will be discussed because there’s no way to score this. Frozen Moon is a thing that exists, and I love it. You might hate it. Whatever. You can’t take this away from me.

This EP already came out so you can listen to it in all it’s glory right now. It will take about 25 minutes. Smash that BC link.

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