Salems Lott – You Can’t Hide From The Beast Inside: A Video Breakdown


And now for something completely different.

*Today’s Video Breakdown subject was brought to my attention by Brenocide, so direct all raised eyebrows to him.

Salems Lott is a heavy/speed metal band from Los Angeles. That in itself isn’t particularly interesting. What is interesting is the gimmick they have chosen. Rather than the tried-and-true heavy metal style choices such as plain leather jackets or battle vests, Salems Lott have gone for a much more attention-grabbing aesthetic. Think giant hair. Think high heels. Think enough white face paint to make a cadaver jealous. Think Visual Kei. Think fascist. Confused? Here, have a look at Salems Lott:

Taking their cues from Japanese bands like Rosenfeld, Mein Kampf, and Rommel, Salems Lott have decided to go for the “let’s look ridiculous and questionable route”. Whereas those other bands had no problem displaying a swastika, Salems Lott have replaced it with their own logo. Obviously that’s better, but it is still not good. Maybe it’s a distraction technique for looking like the sad kids from Decline Of Western Civilization Part 2. But, hey, maybe the music is just so incredible that you can ignore all the other stuff. Let’s find out.

0:01: No, I don’t know why they spelled “Lot” with two T’s. Maybe copyright issues.
0:05: This video is already a feast for the eyes and a fever-addled brain.
0:08: Heil Nerdler.
0:15: Why do I get the feeling that Salems Lott aren’t allowed within 100 yards of children?
0:22: A scream worthy of “Most Brutal Metal Scream 2012”.
0:27: Using a scantily clad woman as a footstool. They’re really ticking off all the boxes.
0:33: It’s nice to see that Ashlee Simpson is still getting work.
0:39: I don’t want anything of his getting inside anyone.
0:46: Oh, shit. I didn’t know Mortiis’s younger brother Dorkiis played the drums.
0:52: Classy.
0:55: Taking bets on what catches fire first.
0:57: Their hair is good option since it’s probably the most flammable.
1:03: The stupid branches also have a high probability.
1:12: I have my fingers crossed that the fasc-tastic banners go up first.
1:18: Kind of like that scene from Inglorious Basterds.
1:28: Salems Lott wiped out an entire Sephora to make this video happen.
1:36: The best place for your hair is directly on and in between your strings.
1:47: At the end of this video, they’re going to ask people to buy tickets to their showcase at the Whiskey.
1:53: Please appreciate their drummer Dorkiis hitting himself in the head.
1:58: Dude has a lot of stuff around his neck and I can’t wait to never hear him explain what it all means.
2:06: Now is probably a good time to let you know the band members’ names.
2:10: Monroe Black: vocals and guitar.
2:15: Jett Black: guitars and vocals.
2:19: Kay Wada: bass.
2:23: Tony F. Corpse: drums.
2:27: I really don’t want to know what the “F” stands for.
2:33: Personally, I think Dorkiis is a better name anyway.
2:48: She’s actually the most sensibly dressed adult in the entire video.
3:00: That’s the kind of lip color you can only get from eating a cherry Tootsie Pop.
3:12: I hope she was properly compensated for having to do this.
3:21: This must be his casting throne.
3:29: Because no one demanded it: acoustic guitars!
3:36: That rug is going to be covered in bronzer by the end of this video.
3:49: The screams could always be worse.
4:00: So when does the band start goose-stepping?
4:06: Maybe when they’re done teasing their hair.
4:11: And looking like leftover wedding cake.
4:14: Even this is better than the debacle that was going to be the new Pestilence album art.
4:26: Now I really want to play the new Wolfenstein game.
4:30: Salems Lott have actually toned down their look significantly. Take a look at one of their old videos.
4:31: So to be clear: Salems Lott made the conscience decision to keep the fascist-lite logo and banners, but take out the high heels and big hair. Got it.

Salems Lott’s album Mask Of Morality Part I is out now via who gives a fuck.

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