Shirt Stains: Bootlegowar
The Triumph Of Steal.
Spend any amount of time in the metal world, be it real life or online, and you will eventually hear from a Manowar fan. “Manowar kills posers with steel!” is the battle cry of the Manowar fan, no matter what the present conversation will be about at any given time. It’s hard to tell whether it’s always genuine or ironic or unironically ironic or whatever the hell it is people are into nowadays.
Credit where credit is due, Manowar have managed to create a loyal, obnoxious passionate fanbase without really any mainstream help. That’s no small feat, especially when asking those same loyal fans to shell out $75 in advance, $100 DOS for tickets to see them live. (As an aside, King Diamond played the same venue for $35 and sold the place out.) The true diehards will happily part ways with their money in order to see the oily torsos of their heroes. Will they also part ways with their money for some of these (hopefully) bootleg pieces of merchandise?
No, that’s not a Manowar fleshlight, though now I can’t get that image out of my head and I very much want to die. The stench of plastic, Jergens, and tears are wafting into your nose as you read this. Pleasure Wave. Swords In The Wind. The Power Of Thy Sword. Gloves Of Metal. Every fucking Manowar song is about jerking off. Joey, your mom knows what you’re doing when you lock the bathroom door. Jesus disapproves.
This is, in fact, a Manowar pencil holder. Yeah, I don’t know why it exists either, but someone, somewhere needed to bring it to life. Maybe an art school student needed to something extra to hold their colored pencils and brushes. Maybe a Manowar fan’s fanny pack broke and they need something else to carry all the phone numbers from hot women that they’re not getting. Maybe Joey keeps folded up pages ripped from old nudey magazines in there in case of “emergency”.
Yes, this is a Manowar poncho. I think it’s a bootleg. I really hope it’s a bootleg. I don’t think merch-monsters like The Misfits, KISS, or Slayer have their own rain poncho and they’ll put their names and logos on just about anything. Now that I think about it, I’m grateful we don’t have a Manowar coffin or Manowar condoms. That fur lining would chafe.
I’m not sure which is stranger: a band having an officially licensed rain poncho or some bootlegger making an unlicensed band rain poncho. I can understand an entrepreneurial individual standing near a cloudy outdoor venue selling dollar ponchos at a mark-up. Make a quick buck on unprepared concertgoers. I get that. Taking the time to print a band’s logo on it? That seems a bit too “extra” at least for me. Maybe they’re banking on the “Well, the already spent $75 on tickets, they’ll probably spend $25 on a thin piece of blue tarp with hood.” It’s not the worst logic ever. Should’ve cut it up to make it a vest, though. That would’ve sold like hot body butter at an Eric Adams lookalike contest.
Manowar mosh shorts. Two things I never thought would ever meet, like the Loch Ness Monster and the Abominable Snowman. Do Manowar fans throw down? Do they toss spinkicks and windmills to all the classic ignorant breakdowns Manowar are known to play? Was Ross the Boss known for commanding the crowd to “fuck this fucking place up!”? Are we getting a Manowar/Colin of Arabia split 7″ soon? Manowar have been down with the underground since Day One. Catch them on This Is Hardcore Fest in 2018.
All-over shirts don’t work. All-over hoodies really don’t work. some of you are probably thinking “I’d totally wear that.” No you wouldn’t. This hoodies probably smells as bad as it looks, like moldy cheese or a sweaty loincloth that hasn’t been washed since the 80’s. If this was just the artwork, maybe, MAYBE it wouldn’t be completely eye-gougingly terrible, but it’s not. I mean, it’s still dorky as all hell and requires you to never move your arms, but it would make some sort of ugly sense.
Sadly, you can’t live out your Manowarrior dreams, getting approving nods from other dorks cool Metalwarriors. Your secret is not safe. Everyone will know you like half a letter “N” what might be the letter “U”, and a “W”. You’re a total NUWhead and there’s no denying it. I can only assume that the rest of the band’s logo curves around the shoulders to the back. That is, if the bootlegger even remembers to print anything on the back. There’s no guarantee with these things.
I am actually deeply disappointed in Manowar for not legitimately selling official Manowar underwear. You have to go all the way to Amazon for such quality merch. The band is borderline most famous for prancing around in their undies. I can see a large portion of Manowar fans that would wear this and only this as they dust off the previous night’s banquet of Crazy Bread crumbs and weakly crushed Natty Ice cans as they answer the persistent knocks from debt collectors and angry landlords.
