Shirt Stains: Queen Of Time Pieces


What time is it? Amorphis o’clock.

When a band hits a certain length of existence and reaches a certain level of fame, they’re bound to expand beyond the musical realm. The band is no longer a hobby or something to do on the weekends. It’s a lifestyle. It’s a business. The band is now the main source of income and inevitably, they’re going to branch out into ventures to maintain and increase revenue streams. You can’t tour forever and albums take time, so you need to slap your name and logo on stuff.

Amorphis has been around since 1990. Though the style and some members have changed over time, they’ve been remarkably consistent in the quality and quantity of their musical output. Their new album Halo continues that trend. If you like their brand of creative melodic death metal, you’ll really like this album. Bands are not maintained through album sales and touring alone, especially in the Pandemic Years, so Amorphis needs to sell some other things. Perhaps an official Amorphis halo to tie-in with the new album? Nope. Some sort of amorphous Amorphis blob? Sadly, no. How about a watch?

I haven’t worn one in about 15 years. I recently inherited two, but don’t wear them. What was once a luxury item and status symbol eventually became a necessity. Then, thanks to cellphones, watches have once again become a luxury item and a status symbol. Amorphis is giving you a little bit of luxury while letting people know that you like some catchy Finnish metal.

To be fair, that’s a fine-looking watch. I mean, I think it is. I’m no watch expert. Look at those colors. Appreciate the fine craftsmanship. Admire the Amorphis Thor’s Hammer logo letting you know when it’s Silent Waters o’clock. Observe the state symbols of Pennsylvania. Or maybe they’re just really big fans of Heinz ketchup. Let’s take a closer look.

There are all the specifics of the Amorphis watch from Pook. Hehe. Pook. It even has the Amorphis logo on the back. No one will see it, but maybe if you wear it long enough, the logo will be permanently embedded on your wrist. That’s true dedication! You’d have to be dedicated to want such a specific item, although it would be real fun to stand front-row at an Amorphis show and point to your official Amorphis watch if the band is late. No worries if they toss some water on you in anger because it’s water proof!

The question then is why does Amorphis want their own official watch? It’s pretty simple, really. They like watches.

Amorphis are big watch heads. Watchers? Watchios? I don’t know what you call people that really like watches. Wikipedia tells me it’s horologists. That’s less fun. You do have to admire a band that has reached enough success where they can just attach their names to things they enjoy. That’s what Kiss has done. Who among us wouldn’t want enough clout to have your own official item of a thing you like? Video game, sneakers, burrito. Whatever, you want, you have your own exclusive item. How much does this Tuonela tick-tocker run?

Ouch. That’s a pretty penny (yucky Euro?), but this is a handcrafted, made-to-order item. That’s about $230 USD. Not the most outlandish price for a piece of band merchandise, but definitely for fans that have some extra cash and want something fairly unique. You’d have to be a pretty big fan and have some disposable income to spend that for a…wait, that’s just the deposit?

That’s about $573 + shipping. Hachi machi! Again, this is a custom item crafted by the finest Finnish watchmakers. You might have to sell some Tales Of A Thousand Lakes for spare change if you want to buy it. What do they think I Am, Universum? If a diehard Amorphis fan can’t afford this, do they live Under A Red Cloud until their death? Would we have to write an Elegy for them? Do they get a Halo after that? Skyforger.

You can’t exactly go to Kohl’s and pick up the official “On The Dak Waters” watch. “On The Dak Waters”? Oops. Well, that’s just a typo. It happens. There’s probably a few in this very article. It’s not like the Preorder deposit is a different price than the deposit price mentioned above, right? Oh. It is. Whelp, I hope they pay more attention to the creation of the watch than they did for the promotional details. That’s something they should…watch out for next time.

Are there enough Amorphis fans out there that are also watch aficionados? Will they pay out the big bucks for this exclusive time piece? Only time will tell.

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