Shirt Stains: Dismember Bootleg
Dreaming in NOPE.
I always appreciate it when one of the Toilet faithful provides me with a Shirt Stain. It saves me the time, effort, and mental capacity trying to scour the internet for bad merch which is the greatest gift of all. Well, second greatest gift if you include a coupon for an all-you-can-eat chicken finger bar, but I digress. Special thanks goes out to ToH power-user Scrimm aka Scrimm Skala Bim aka Scrimmy Kimmle aka Scrimmbled Eggs aka “Hey, why haven’t you referenced Phantasm yet?” Ol’ Scrimmy Gibbler has provided us with an incredibly hideous Dismember bootleg that is so bad it makes the band want to reform just so they can split up again. Take a look.
Oh. My. Science. This is… I mean… just look at it! All over print is bad. All over print that leaves out parts of the shirt? That’s somehow worse. For some reason, there’re just parts of the shirt that are just white. This shirt is for Dismember’s 1991 album Like An Ever Flowing Stream. The band’s logo appears on the upper left hand corner of the album art. Apparently, that just wasn’t good enough for the bootlegger so they cropped that and the top of the album off of the shirt and then placed a bigger version of the logo on top. And the sleeves. No need to fill in that extra white space because they used up all the colors on the sleeves. This is why you always need to be in well-ventilated rooms. This shirt manages to fail on multiple levels and deserves to be held back a grade. There’s no possible way the back is any better.
Yeah, it’s the same exact thing. Well, I shouldn’t say that because the “model’s” arms are suddenly bigger, paler, and are free of the sleeve tattoo. Oh, and the hands are different color from the arms. I think I’m having a brain aneurysm. If my eyelid starts to droop, please call a doctor.
This monstrosity isn’t just some fly-by-night bootleg thrown up on eBay looking for a quick buck before The Man notices. It’s actually on sale on Amazon right now and holy Casket Garden, they’re charging $38.99 for an XL version. Oh, and you’ll most likely have to wait at least a month to get it. Have you no shame, Amazon seller Ceuceu Riweuh?
Judging by this and all the other hilariously overpriced garbage this person is selling, I can only assume Ceuceu Riweuh is Latvian for “Molest your wallet’s asshole.” In Dutch, Ceuceu Riweuh translates to “Shirt that fornicates with eyesockets.” In Hakka, Ceuceu Riweuh roughly means “expensive baby vomit tunic.” In Sudanese, Ceuceu Riweuh means “Laughing while defecating on one’s mother.” In Haitian Creole, Ceuceu Riweuh means “shuddering goat orgasm.” In Trumpanese, Ceuceu Riweuh means “to make America great again by grifting people to the fullest extent.”