Shirt Stains: Get A ‘Load’ Of This Ugly Metallica Merch
It was either that for the title or “Let Metallica Cover You With Their Load.” Neither one is good.
Despite being the biggest metal band in the world (with no signs of being usurped any time soon), Metallica are not immune to having bad merchandise. See here and here for prime examples. Also see any crowd moving to or from a Metallica show because nothing will stop Metallica fans from wearing their Metallica shirts. Funeral? Metallica shirt. Wedding? Metallica shirt. Court? Metallica shirt.
Even when they partner with someone else to do all the work, the results are, as the French say “pukearrific.” Hey, I understand. A buck is to be made and their fans are more than willing to pay it. So when skateboard brand Supreme came calling to put out some Metallica merch, I’m sure Lars did his most excitedly disjointed drum fill in years. He must have been hitting his trash cans a little too loudly because he may have missed what Supreme chose to advertise.
Oh, yes. The hip clothing brand has decided to slap their name onto the Load album art. Joe previously covered (yeesh, bad word choice) the Load album art, which was a mixture of bovine semen and blood, pressed against plexiglass. James Hetfield wasn’t a fan. It probably wasn’t the blood that he found offensive, considering he narrated a documentary about being addicted to porn. Despite his misgivings, the album sporting the artwork has gone 5x platinum and can now be worn by his adoring fan base.
Why would Supreme make all-over merchandise with this art? Were the good albums already taken? Would St. Anger or Lulu merch be too uncool even for Brooklyn? Are people dying to wear animal blood and jizz? If so, there’s a ton of zookeepers and veterinarians sitting on a crusty gold mine. Is this some sort of ironic/not ironic thing for people who claim to not like Metallica, but know every word to the Black Album? There aren’t any prices on the company’s website, but I have a strong feeling they won’t be cheap.
Nothing says “I’ve given up” more than sweatpants that already have semen on them. I’d say something like “Can you imagine going out in public and having to explain to people what you’re wearing” but we all know you’re not going anywhere with these things on. You’re going straight to your couch where you plan to eat an entire bag of Lay’s Everything Bagel with Cream Cheese chips, gulp down Turkey & Gravy-flavored soda, and spend the next 8 hours alternating between jerking off and hitting refresh on your GoFundMe page. At least no one will be able to tell the difference between the printed stains and the new additions.
Apparently, these hats are known as a “Camp Cap.” I have no idea why. If anything they should be known as a Penis Hat because it will give your head a bulbous schlong look to it. The artwork just seals the deal. Pull a Howie Mandel and put a rubber glove around your head while wearing this. It will help prevent the spread of disease. Remember: No glove, no love.
Coming soon to a Tony Hawk video game near you. Nothing says skitching like “Ain’t My Bitch.”