Show no mercy among the living while you kill ’em all beneath the remains. The legacy of killing technology will rust in peace in an eternal nightmare.

I will never claim to be Toilet Ov Hell’s thrash expert. That title is reserved for Simon Phoenix. Sure I know what bands to name-drop and what albums to make fun of, but I have basic knowledge of it. I understand and recognize the importance of thrash bands who helped slay the last remnants of disco and stood alongside garbage hair metal bands like White Lion, Nelson, and Kix. I also understand and recognize some of the terrible shirts that thrash bands have (and still) put out.

Megadeth – The Dave Mustaine Show featuring Dave Mustaine

Did you know that Dave Mustaine was in Megadeth? Did you know that absolutely no one else is in the band? Well you do now. It’s true that Megadeth’s lineup has always been a revolving door. Just recently, guitarist Chris Broderick and drummer Shawn Drover got the hell out of dodge. You can probably lay out a number of reasons why someone might quit one of the most successful thrash bands in the world. Maybe it’s Mustaine’s questionable approach to political thought. Or perhaps his flat-out racism and sexism. I’d like to believe this shirt pushed them over the edge.

While this physical embodiment of faded glory was most likely made years ago, it’s the strongest physical representation of Dave Mustaine I’ve ever seen. Not only is he the only person on the shirt, but his signature is on it too. You know, just in case you weren’t sure who it is since you can’t see his face. The electric green font really drives home the “DAVE MUSTAINE IS IN MEGADETH” message.

Now that I think about it, where was this picture taken? Are we, the people looking at this shirt, supposed to be inside a tree? Outside a tree? Either that or Goatse decided to spruce up the place with some leaves and bark [W. Note: If you value your job and/or your sanity, don’t Google that at work]. Is this shirt saying that Dave Mustaine is a Keebler Elf? If he starts passing out E.L. Fudge Double Stuffed cookies, all is forgiven.

Testament – Lawnmower Man Part Deux

Oh ye Gods! This shirt is hideous on top of monstrous with a side of breadsticks. I’m seriously getting second-hand embarrassment looking at this thing. The more I look at this shirt, the sadder I get. Sometimes fashion or a certain look is “cool” in the moment so one can be forgiven for following a trend. What’s going on in this Testament shirt was never, ever cool. I promise.

It’s hard to decide where to begin ripping into this short-sleeved sadness. The bright lime green lettering? The giant cartoon heart in the background? The Grim Reaper holding a smaller version of the same exact heart behind it? The many, many, many skulls that fill up all remaining spaces on the shirt? While all of those things are terrible, the worst thing about this is the numerous naked green bodies soaring gloriously all over the shirt. Whoever designed this must’ve been so psyched to use their 1993 computer graphics skills. I’m not 100% sure, looking at the neck, this might actually be a ringer shirt. Ugh, I need to lay down.

 

Destruction – Thrashnado

Okay, okay. I know that this picture is the album art for Destruction’s second album “Eternal Devastation”, but come on. This is hilariously bad. I was a year old when this album came out, so I can’t exactly attest to what was going on in the German thrash metal scene at the time. Apparently, it was bad taste. How did this art come about?

Band: Ve vould like to be tornado, ja?
Artist: Excuse me?
Band: Ve vould like to be tornado.
Artist: What do… I don’t really…
Band: Hey dumkopf, vat is so hard to be understanding? Our metal thrashing is to be blowing stuff down and making with the chaos, ja?
Artist: Ja…I mean yeah, sure.
Band: Ve are like the tornadoes, so den make us like the tornadoes. Und make lots of detail in the hair. Idiot.

The serene Buddha-like looks on their faces really capture the “WTF” factor. I also question their use of fonts for the album name. I can only assume a Chinese takeout menu was the only frame of reference when it was chosen.

 

Anthrax – What kind of music do we play again?

Anthrax, Anthrax, Anthrax. What are you doing? You used to be so “with it”. Appearing on Married With Children, rocking Bermuda shorts, breaking down barriers. Now, I just don’t know anymore. I’m afraid you might be getting a little forgetful in your advancing age. See, that symbol you used on your shirt stands for “New York Hard Core”. It’s a good sign that you remember that you’re from New York. That’s a very important first step. That’s not my concern. It’s the “Hard Core” part.

See, Anthrax isn’t a hardcore band. You’re a thrash metal band. Oh sure, hardcore bands are influenced by thrash and New York has a very strong hardcore scene, but you guys aren’t really a part of that. “In Moshing We Trust” is cute, but again, thrash moshing and hardcore moshing are very different. I wouldn’t want you guys to go to a Madball show and get kicked in the back of the head.

It also looks like you guys threw in your name at the top at the last minute. Did you forget your name again? Do I have to pin an index card to your jacket with your name, address, and phone number? It’s ok, we forget sometimes. Just know that we all love you very much and hope that you release an album in less than 5 years.

 

Kreator – Welcome To Mardi Gras

“How dare you make fun of Kreator,” said a humorless thrash fan. That’s what happens when you put out a shirt featuring your mascot about to receive some beads on Bourbon Street. It doesn’t look cool or tough. It just looks like a demon has had a few too many scorpion bowls and is about 10 minutes away from puking into a bright pink fuzzy hat. That or he’s an extra in “Bears vs. Bikers 6”. Either way, there’s some demon nipple-rubbing going on.

I do appreciate that “Kreator” is on the demon’s chest just in case you forgot the band’s name right above his head. Can someone do me a favor and buy this model something to fill in the rest of his patchy-ass beard? It will make him slightly less punchable.