Shirt Stains: When Worlds Collage
Avert your eyes, children!Have you ever wanted to wear one of those band logo collages? No. Of course not. You’re not a gibbering shut-in, forced to converse with your own warped thoughts for entertainment. You’re not an issue of Circus magazine come to life. You do not send promotional emails with the subject line “Fuck You.” You do not consider Banquet Frozen Meals as quality dining. You do not get viciously owned on Twitter after foolishly shooting your mouth off. You are not Ann Coulter (though you may be her flaccid penis) being mercilessly and deservedly being roasted in a public forum.
This bootleg shirt comes straight from the superfund section of eBay. What madman in some god-forsaken hellhole of a basement in some former Soviet republic nation thought this was a good idea? We have to assume that this monster pulled the collage off of the internet and didn’t come up with these bands himself. It’s such a random mish-mash of bands: Helloween, Ektomorf, Foo Fighters, Dead Kennedys, Dry Kill Logic, Cannibal Corpse, AC/DC, Bad Religion, Exodus, Danzig, Gojira, and The Sword just to name a few. How random.
The best part of this abomination, though, is that the collage wasn’t big enough to fit the entire shirt. Names and logos appear multiple times just to really offend your eyes and sense of self-worth. They could have tried both cutting and pasting from another collage or even creating something semi-original. “No time for that, Igor! We must make shirts to meet high demand. Then we drink vodka mixed with paint thinner and talk of what chocolate must taste like! Ura!”
The pain continues unabated on the back.
This shirt is absolutely, unequivocally, 100% repugnant. It is an affront to any and all gods, demigods, deities, divine beings, demons, and magical talking animals. You would have to put at least 3 pairs of feet and a “Make America Great Again” hat on it for Buffalo Bills coach Rex Ryan to successfully masturbate to it. Armies wave this shirt to show that they surrender. This shirt is starring in Uwe Boll’s next movie. This shirt eats Dunkin Donuts for lunch every day. This shirt pisses on the toilet paper in its own house. Donald Trump just made this shirt his campaign manager.