Move over, Mariah! There’s a new queen of carols in her town, and her name is *checks notes* Deceased???

Surely this is some kind of mistake. You mean to tell me that veteran death metal luminaries Deceased are not only masters of the riff but also of the reindeer? That they fire nuclear mistletoe solos with frightening efficacy? Are King Fowley and co. dreaming of a Ghostly White Christmas? Is death metal the new secret weapon in the War on Christmas?

All these answers and more – like who we really saw Mommy kissing under the Christmas tree – in the smash hit single “The Shivers.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering if I’m three Hot Damn!’s short of a wassail. But before you gather your tinsel and string me to a sledge, take a moment to listen to the lyrics of “The Shivers.”

The holidays have fallen
Feel the joy and cheer
With winter now upon them
Festivities are come

Got dang that’s cheery! That’s downright saccharine! Sure, narrowing in on those particular lyrics requires you to ignore the fact that the rest of the song tells a sad, nigh-It’s-a-Wonderful-Life-happiness-ruining tale of brooding gloom and haunting sorrow. But forget all that. Does anyone really know all the lyrics to “Joy to the World” or that one about figgy pudding? No, I didn’t think so.

So this holiday season, let’s add “The Shivers” to our pagan tradition of singing to unwitting strangers and demanding they provide hot chocolate remuneration. Let’s make “The Shivers” so ubiquitous this season that Pentatonix (they’re still a thing, right?) end up covering it on their next bland album for mall-walking white folks.

I mean, what alternative do we have?