Lordi – Hug You Hardcore: A Video Breakdown (NSFW)

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xLORDIx
Lordi is back and not just in POG form. Aren’t you excited? Yeeeeeeah. Yeah. Anyway, the former Eurovision winners and “We’re monsters, not aliens and no we’ve never heard of Gwar, why do you ask” rockers have returned to bestow upon us their unique brand of monster butt rock. Did we need a new Lordi album? That’s for the wider audience to decide. Did Lordi need the money to make up for the losses incurred from their horror movie Dark Floors? With a budget of over $4 million and a box office haul of just under $650,000, I’d say yes.

How does Lordi intend to reinsert themselves into the the rock/metal’s public consciousness? Let’s take a look at the censored version of their latest video for their song Hug You Hardcore. The uncensored version is also on Youtube if you’re morbidly curious or feel like getting fired from your job.

Wait…the description for the video says that this is the [Consored Version]. Hmmm. Did Lonk from Pennsylvania write that?

0:02: That’s the font of a band that means business.
0:07: Tee-hee! Driving across bridges is the bee’s knees!
0:10: Ah, yes. The Blue Screen of Unhappiness.
0:13: “I’m here too for some reason!”
0:15: “Have you seen my staple?”
0:20: I see his mouth moving, but I’m not hearing any words.
0:27: There’s a Spirit Halloween store somewhere looking for its missing box of defective costumes.
0:38: Let me know when the hardcore starts.
0:46: Vocals provided by ghetto Rob Zombie.
0:54: We get it. You like No Doubt.
0:57: Not washing all the bug feces off your fruit is hardcore. I guess.
1:06: Why do I get the feeling that Lordi has a lot of restraining orders against them?
1:17: Their costumes must smell like Andy Reid’s armpits in the 4th quarter with 2 minutes left to go.
1:21: I have a feeling that we’re the ones who are going to need the blindfold very soon.
1:30: Ah, yes. The fisheye lens. Classic Craigslist apartment trick.
1:37: “Face down, ass up. Here we come, we wish you luck.” I just vomited in my mouth a little.
1:46: Wait, what was that about his fist?
1:53: Cinemax After Dark is getting weird.
2:00: All these blurry shots are of the woman raping the man with a strap-on.
2:01: No, I’m not kidding.
2:06: Is this supposed to be a metaphor for what Lordi is doing to their audience?
2:15: Hey, I was kidding, but it looks like I might actually be right.
2:22: Lordi doesn’t believe in free-range meat.
2:30: I really, really, really don’t want to know why his fingers are dirty.
2:38: Yup. Still going at it.
2:43: I have no idea what’s going on. More importantly, I don’t want to know.
2:48: “Oh my god! The Mcrib is back!”
2:55: Arby’s: We grind our own!
2:58: Easy there, Roman Reigns.
3:03: So Lordi acknowledges that watching this video is torture.
3:11: Former Vice President Dick Cheney has the biggest boner right now.
3:17: Who else wants blueberry pie?
3:22: It would have been better if the entire video was blurred out.
3:29: Cleanliness is next to lolbuttziness.
3:35: Golden Corral: You’re going to get diarrhea eventually – it might as well be because of us.
3:43: And mercifully, it’s over.
3:58: Showing all the band members up close may be the most NSFW thing in this video.

Lordi’s album Monstereophonic (Theaterror vs. Demonarchy) is out on September 16th via AFM Records.

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