The Ballad of BDubs Bro: Chapter 2: Et Tu, Basketball Shorts?
Previously on The Ballad of BDubs Bro…
*runs out to garage with overbearing odor of yard waste and stale beer*
*opts out of driving roommate’s black Ford F-150 with camouflage trucknutz and this bumper sticker*
*chooses own, red Ford F-150 with diamond plate trucknutz and this bumper sticker*
*peels out of quiet suburban neighborhood at 60mph*
*rolls coal the entire fucking trip*
*blasts Five Finger Death Punch on stereo*
“THIS IS THE FUCKIN’ HEAVIEST SHIT EVER, BRO! YEAH GONNA GET OUR DICKS WET TONIGHT!”
*high fives roommates in anticipation of wetting dick*
*screams “WOOOOO!!!” out window after spotting woman several blocks away*
*pulls into nearest BDubs, parks across three spaces*
*spots Toyota Prius in adjacent parking space with unassuming mother and daughter inside*
“COAL ROLL TIME, BRO! FUCKIN’ A RIGHT!”
*slams on gas, rolls coal for two full minutes*
*all throw hands in air and shout “OOOOHHHHH!!!” the entire time*
*roommate rocks hips toward exhaust pipes to represent sexual intercourse with truck*
*walks into BDubs, ignores hostess and grabs table nearest to giant flatscreen*
“Hey guys! My name is Katie and I’ll be your serv“JUST GET US THREE BUD LIGHTS.”
*high fives roommate in appreciation of asserting himself by interrupting the waitress*
*waitress brings drinks over*
“So you guys thinking about some food tonight? We’ve got our spec“THREE ORDERS OF BONELESS JALAPENO WINGS.”
*leers at waitress’ ass as she walks away*
“LOOKS EDIBLE TO ME BRO HA HA HA, WOO!”
*high fives roommates in mutual appreciation of waitress’ ass*
*plays five Jason Aldean songs on internet jukebox*
*watches 12 different sports games on 40 different TVs*
*all throw hands in air and shout “OOOOHHHHH!!!” each time a team (any team) scores*
*slams four more Bud Lights*
*winks at waitress as she helps another table*
“CHEcK THiS OUT bRO, MY nNUTS ARE GONNA… GOnnA BE On HER ChIN BY TEh NEXT C0AL ROLL… YOu FUCkiN WatCH mE BRo…”
*slides off barstool, drunkenly shuffles toward waitress*
“SO WHaT’s IT GoNNa TAKE tO OpeN THosE LeGS FOR BuSIN…”
*basketball shorts snag on sharp splinter of wooden chair*
*heavy chair drags behind, pulling basketball shorts lower*
“GEt ThE FuCK… OFF Me BRrO!”
*kicks chair away, immediately yanking basketball shorts down to ankles*
*filthy Rockstar Energy Drink boxer shorts exposed to entire restaurant*
*trips, ricochets off table, falls backward onto floor*
*splays and kicks legs in vain attempt to free self from knotted, treacherous basketball shorts*
“FUuUCK!”
*roommates point and laugh mercilessly*
*grabs table to pull self up from floor, spills young boy’s chocolate milk all over boxer shorts*
*gets slapped in the dick by upset young boy*
“FUCkIN’ MOtHERFfUkCIN BULLsHIT BRO!”
*slams one more Bud Light from table*
*abandons roommates, runs mortified out of BDubs to parking lot*
To be continued…
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