TOILET BEER: A REVIEW
This is not a recipe for brewing beer in your home toilet. Nor is it a celebration of the Budweiser line of products. No–this is an article about drinking beer while sitting on the toilet. Below, I present to you 7 Reasons to Drink a Beer on the Toilet. Most of you will see the immediate appeal in all seven items because you are fine, fun-loving people and you know what is best in life–which is already implicit in the fact that you are reading this blog. But if you should find yourself interpreting the list as “7 Reasons Why I Never Wanted to Drink Toilet Beer in the First Place” then you can arse right off!
— 7 REASONS TO DRINK A BEER ON THE TOILET —
1. SITTING ON THE TOILET IS BORING
Unless you have stumbled upon this blog in the hopes of indulging some kind of banal potty-fetish, you will agree. This is why they make books specifically for reading while popping the proverbial ol’ Squat. (It is also, I believe, why most of Camus’s work is still in print.) But reading anything worthwhile on the toilet is difficult unless you are a quick reader or you’ve got medical problems or you regularly sequester yourself behind the bathroom door for twenty-minutes-to-an-hour in order to escape your spouse and/or loinspawn. Short poems, flash fiction, any given excerpt from Joe Wenderoth’s Letters to Wendy’s: these are all fitting companions for whiling away the minutes during any strictly-business-related visit to the Chamber of Shame. And you know what makes great toilet reading even better? A fuckin’ beer. A book in one hand, a brew in the other, and the immaculate silence of complete solitude. Yes, friends, sitting on the toilet may be boring, but Drinking a Beer on the Toilet is Funner’n Hell!
2. THERE IS NO WRONG TYPE OF BEER TO DRINK ON THE TOILET
When any of us try to imagine popping a toilet beer, our minds doubtless turn immediately to Bud Light of Busch or High Life. And why not? Taking a piss or shit (or the two-for-one exgravaganza: BOTH) is just about the most abject behavior in which a human being can engage, short of domestic abuse or genocide or sniffing glue. The most obvious fit for such activity, then, is an abject beer. Anything you can purchase in quantities of eighteen or more for under one dollar per unit is perfect for the occasion. Tastes like piss going in; tastes like piss coming out. The most sacred circle of life, more fundamental than even the paltry cycle of birth-copulation-death.
And you know what’s even better? Drinking an expensive, high quality, craft tier brew while your body voids itself of waste. Why is it better? Because of the delightful, rebellious disparity between the two actions. It’s like seeing a street urchin dressed in DKNY; like hearing Chopin in a Walmart; like watching someone attempt to purchase Patrón with food stamps. Go ahead, crack into a Bell’s or Dogfish Head or Saint Archer while occupying the throne. Go ahead and stick out your pinky finger while you sip gingerly from your bottle/mug/snifter of stout or tripel or rye IPA. No one will judge you (if and only if they cannot see you).
3. THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO DRINK A BEER ON THE TOILET
Just do what feels right, live in the moment, etc. Savor that Schlitz as if it had been drawn from the Fountain of Youth. Or shotgun that can of Mike Hess “Solis” like it’s nothing more valuable than a pint of Mickey’s Malt Liquor. If you’ve got the time and sinktop space, bring a lime with you, cut out a wedge and push it into your Corona. Hell, push it into your Steele 211 or Chimay for all anyone cares. Nurse your beer pensively while you contemplate time travel or plan your divorce or hash out the broad strokes of that novel you’ve always been meaning to write. Shake your beer violently before opening, point it directly at your face and be washed of all your sins by a foaming geyser of Pure Love. Again, no one will judge you. (Make sure you’ve got extra toilet paper on hand.)
4. WHY SHOULD SHOWER BEER HAVE ALL THE FUN?
It shouldn’t. Shower beer is for beginners. Shower beer was cool in 2010. Shower beer used to be for hard-working alcoholics. It used to be something many people enjoyed but never spoke (much less blogged) about. These days shower beer is for people who listen to 26 Pilots or whatever the fuck. Which is not to say that the basic act of drinking a beer in the shower has become unpleasurable. It hasn’t. It’s still pretty swell–especially if your shower comes equipped with a seating apparatus of some kind. It’s just that the thrill of shower beer has been dulled by its insidious mainstream popularity. Hell, I just read an article which sited scientific research into why drinking a cold beer in a hot shower is so darn relaxing. I shan’t bore you with those details here. I don’t need fucking science to tell me why drinking a cold beer on the toilet is righteous. Just like I don’t need no fucking man to help me out of my boots when I’m drunk.
5. TRANSGRESSING SOCIETAL NORMS WITHOUT BREAKING THE LAW
It goes beyond the relaxation. Beyond the novelty. Let’s admit it. The appeal of consuming alcoholic beverages in spaces either explicitly or tacitly designated for anything but is deeply psychological. We of Legal Drinking Age are beset by laws and social obligations and familial responsibilities and debts to various shadowy government or corporate entities. We’re drowning in administrative adversity and filial acrimony and a whole bunch of shit we simply do not wish to do. Every once in a while (why not nightly?) it is an immense relief to say “fuck it all”; to capitulate to our most perverse instincts; to hoist a priapic middle finger in the face of all the forces vying for control of our pithy lives. I can think of no more poignant way of telling your better half or the Tax Man or the circle of friends who daily impose your dignity upon you to “get proper fucked” than to consume one or more beers in the midst of paying butt-homage to the CHUDS who dwell in the sewers beneath your domicile.
6. WITH TOILET BEER YOU TOO CAN GO META!
Right about now you may be asking yourself: Self, is it possible to drink a beer on the toilet while reading The Toilet? The answer is yes–probably. I think it depends on your Thetan levels. If you have a low level of Thetans, drinking a beer on the toilet while reading The Toilet might cause you to burst open like a marshmallow held too long over an open flame. If you have a high Thetan level, i.e. you are a sane person and do not participate in the Thetan-clearing shenanigans of the Church of Scientology, then you should be okay. (If you are drinking a beer on the toilet while reading this particular Toilet article, congratulation: You have already won Life.)
7. TOILET BEER IS METAL AS FUCK
Yup. No need to elaborate or provide supporting evidence. This one is self-evident. And you know what else is metal as fuck?