The Enemies of Female Intimacy: Richard Dawkins To Appear On The Next Nightwish Album


Hello Toilet Dwellers, Basement Dwellers, Void Dwellers, Coal Rollers, Trollers, Lifelovers, Lovelifers, Lucifers, and other nerds of various degrees. Due to the fact that you are reading this on an indie metal blog, the fact that many of you also read other metal outlets, and the fact that this news was released more than a month ago, I am sure all of you know by now that Richard Dawkins is to make a guest appearance on the new Nightwish album; scheduled (presumably pronounced by Nightwish/Richard Dawkins fans as “Shed-uled”) for release in 2015.

Now, I consider myself to be somewhat of a pop-culture guru. You cannot become famous for nothing if you don’t know the ropes of celebrity life, after all. I predicted that Kim K would release a reality show after her sextape, I predicted that Ke$ha would make it big after her cameo on Right Round, and I predicted that 3OH!3 would disappear into The Void of Obscurity after that song with Katy Perry. The point is, I have an eye for these things, and I kind of saw this one coming. When I first watched the documentary “Enemies of Reason” starring Dawkins in 2008, I said to myself, “This pretentious, whiny-voiced, jackrabbit-lookin’ motherfucker either listens to metal or will collaborate with a metal band at some point in his career.”

The spoken-word recording that Dawkins is going to contribute will appear on Nightwish’s new album. They have not released the name of this album yet. However, based on Dawkins’ main area of expertise, and how Nightwish  just released t-shirts named Find The Origins, I’d imagine this recording is going to have something to do with evolution. Because this recording involves both Nightwish and (obviously) Richard Dawkins, I would bet Tinkerbell on a butcher block that it will just reek of pretension. I mean, Tuomas Holopainen’s vocalization on Dawkin’s “thought plays” pretty much sets the tone, “”I’m reading them at the moment. I was just reading it an hour ago,” “The Magic Of Reality’ [Dawkins’ 2011 book] it’s called, and it has the most beautifully written introduction to science ever. Just full of thought plays. It’s great.”

I can just see it now. Some staunch, obnoxious IMN sucking back his e-cig, stroking the neckbeard on his multiple chins, and wearing a smug grin because Holopainen and Dawkins will “really be sticking it to those religious sheeple”, despite the fact that the tens of people that will hear this recording will also be also be staunch, obnoxious, atheist IMNs.

Holopainen truly is a model of intellect, class, and logic.

Holopainen truly is a model of intellect, class, and logic.

I don’t really listen to Nightwish, most likely because I started having sex before I left high school, so I’m not even sure why I’m writing on this. I should point out that I do not have a problem with Nightwish or Atheism, but I am not exactly the biggest Richard Dawkins fan.

I believe that Dick Hawkins is an intelligent dude. However, being intelligent does not make you smart (if that makes sense). Richard Dawkins is not a smart dude. Is he Intelligent? Yes. Smart? No. A smart person can let their biases go, look at the bigger picture, and concentrate on using their talents to improve lives for others rather than chase a personal vendetta. For example, Dawkins has stated in many of his documentaries and essays that there would be a better chance of no wars being fought on Earth if religion did not exist. That is the most asinine concept I’ve ever heard. He’s studied models of animal-decision making, for fuck’s sakes. Does he actually think that if religion did not exist, people wouldn’t still go to war just the same? We’d fight the exact amount we do now. Look at the comments section of any metal blog. Hell, look at the comments section of LITERALLY ANY WEBSITE. You cannot tell me that us humans have a tendency to fight over the most trivial bullshit, and not having any religion on Earth would not change that.

Smart people can make the choice to respect other people’s beliefs and attitudes, so long as they do not hurt anybody. After all, their beliefs are theirs, and they have their reasons for them. It may not make sense to you, but it doesn’t have to because it has nothing to do with you. No matter what your belief is, you shouldn’t have to justify it to others because it belongs to you and it’s important to you. Smart people do not think they are so fucking important that they can tell people what they should or should not believe. Smart people do not have egos so large that they cannot comprehend that some things have nothing to do with them, so they don’t fucking act like it does.

As for atheism, I think the faith (or lack thereof?) needs a better spokesperson than Richard fucking Dawkins. The belief deserves someone who can demonstrate that Atheists have a good moral compass (every faith has good and bad people, and people of all faiths do bad things, no matter how you slice it), not someone who goes out of his way to be disrespectful to other faiths and beliefs (including feminism). There’s many problems with all faiths, but many of them stem from complex issues, not usually caused by practicing individuals. Dawkins does seem to understand this, and encourages people to mock religious people publicly. The dude has his head so far up his ass he tells people to mock militant atheists publicly. I feel that if a person encourages their message to be spread with public shaming and intimidation, it’s not a very good message. Most Atheists that I know are smart, kind, and humble people. C’mon guys, you can do better than this ass-hat. From what I’ve seen in his documentaries and interviews, he just strikes me as a bully. At the end of the day, a bully is a bully, even if they do conceal it with a purpose.

 After all of the honey-related injustices he’s had to suffer, can you really blame him?

After all of the honey-related injustices he’s had to suffer, can you really blame him?


But hey, this is coming from a 2-bit metal-blogger who calls themself Paris Hilton; so please take this post with a grain of salt and a lime. Anyway, if you want to find out more about the new Nightwish album or whatever, check out their website or Facebook page.


*Author’s Note: I do believe that everyone has a right to their beliefs, but I do agree with Dawkins on astrology. That shit is just ridiculous.*

Will you stand by Dawkins despite this surely embarrassing recording? Am I a brainwashed idiot sheeple who can’t think for themself and has not experienced euphoria? Is Holopainen’s facial hair proof enough that there is no God!? Discuss these topics and more in the comments!


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