Nightwish – Élan: A Video Breakdown

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It would appear Nuclear Blast are somehow still in business.

I know next to nothing about Nightwish so I’m afraid I can’t give much in the way of an introduction to this video. My cousin had a crush on Tarja Turunen (now replaced by a lady named Floor?) in middle school but other than recognizing her as the weakest lyric soprano on the planet (three octaves? Weeeeaaaak.) my experience with them is limited. That said, Nuclear Blast consistently brings the lolbuttz more than any other label this side of Century Media. Will this video convert me to a symphonic power metal fan? Not likely, but we’ll make fun of it along the way regardless.

0:01: Oh this is that song from Titanic? Alright, I can deal with that.
0:06: That’s not how you play that and you know it.
0:15: The only thing more fittingly-placed than this key change is that top hat.
0:28: That’s actually pretty cool of Nightwish to make time in their video for a Faces of Meth PSA.
0:45: My thoughts exactly.
0:48: So much is communicated in that one little squint; most notably, “Kill me. Just shove a chopstick through my windpipe, please.”
0:54: That may be the trashiest Christmas tree ornament I’ve ever seen.
1:03: Are you even trying?
1:13: Is that the bathroom at the gym? I wouldn’t lean much closer to the floor if I were you.
1:17: Now that is how you goddamn dust.
1:21: Nice ankle warmers, bro.
1:24: The rest of this video sucks so much because they blew their entire budget on these pyro effects. Don’t you know the bassist always comes last?
1:27: Whoever directed this certainly has a thing for lens flares.
1:36: Yep. Same here.
1:40: Yeah, I’m about ready to jump off a bridge here, too.
1:48: Sitting on a park bench…
1:49: Oh, all this time I thought I was watching a Nightwish video. Turns out it’s Grey Gardens.
2:00: “Oh geez, what the hell is this…”
2:03: Still better than that last Hobbit movie.
2:05: “Holy shit, I am so high right now.”
2:07: Gotta say, Jay Leno looks pretty damn good in a wig.
2:10: Okay, come on, this is just B-roll from Harry Potter run through iMovie.
2:35: Oh. So…this really is the gym shower. I, uh. I don’t know what to say.
2:43: Righteous headbanging isn’t typically how I react when an old man removes his jockstrap in front of me but hey, to each his own.
2:50: Looks like an animal can, in fact, evolve wheels.
2:54: Hey, that’s a safety hazard!
3:21: WAITWHATIWASNOTEXPECTINGTHAT
3:22: You have got to be kidding me.
3:24: And another one gone and another gone… another one bites the dust.
3:28: Okay really? You couldn’t have just hit the key again? At least attempt to look like you’re making an effort.
3:33: If this is Heaven then I’m glad to be a sinner.
3:35: Nightwish looooove downbeats.
3:43: Even Eurovision wouldn’t use this many arbitrary key changes.
3:50: Lock up your children, everyone.
3:51: You’re gonna break every bone in that lady’s body.
3:54: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.
4:00: Syncopation? Never heard of it.
4:04: “Why?! What have I done to deserve this?
4:07: Those arms were made for roller derby.
4:20: That owl is so done.

That was certainly a music video for a song by a band. I’m really glad I don’t go to Renaissance Faires or the death threats would be pouring in.

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