The Road to the Pooper Bowl – Week 3: Bud Light, Brah?
Anheuser-Busch, makers of the official beer of the NFL, expressed concern this Tuesday about the NFL’s handling of domestic abuse issues. Quoth the random corporate alcohol spokesperson:
“We are disappointed and increasingly concerned by the recent incidents that have overshadowed this NFL season. We are not yet satisfied with the league’s handling of behaviors that so clearly go against our own company culture and moral code. We have shared our concerns and expectations with the league.”
Let’s momentarily ignore the irony in this statement as Anheuser-Busch is indirectly responsible for untold thousands of cases of violence, domestic and otherwise. The NFL as we know it today would not exist without cheap domestic beer.
Back in 2011 A-B paid the NFL $1.2 BILLION dollars for its current 6-year deal as the official beer of the League. The NFL needs that sweet, sweet beer money just as bad as Bud Lite needs to broadcast icy-cold, full-
I don’t know about you, but that rant made me thirsty.
Before jumping into this week, let’s take a look some highlights from the last week of games and the myriad ways that I am wrong about everything.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Cleveland’s down-to-the-wire victory over heavy favorites the New Orleans Saints. Billy Cundiff will soon have a golden statue in downtown Cleveland for making the winning field goal in the last 3 seconds of the game twice. This marks the first time the Browns have won a home opener in 10 years. You’re a hero, Billy.
Chicago eked out an impressive victory over the San Francisco 49ers thanks to the utter self-destruction of Kaepernick in the final quarter.
I know I make fun of Jacksonville quite a bit, but let’s be honest for a moment: the Oakland Raiders and the worst team in the NFL. Their season has started off dog shit bad and I do not foresee anything changing for them.
Also, the Cowboys won. Huh. Weird.
Best Game of the Week:
Denver at Seattle. The previous NFC and AFC champions will repeat their match-up from last year’s Super Bowl. I have faith that Denver has learned a few new tricks and can prevent the Seahawks from completely steamrolling them like last time. It will only be a moderate blood bath.
Worst Game of the Week:
The New England Patriots at Oakland Raiders. The Patriots are looking fairly mediocre this early in the season. They’re 14 1/2 point favorites right now. They’ll likely win by at least that much. Oakland is TERRIBLE.
Baseless Predictions of the Week:
The Houston Texans will continue their winning streak against the Giants. (I’m pushing my luck with this three weeks in a row. No care)
No franchise quarterbacks will sustain season-ending injuries this week.
I will drink a lot of pumpkin beer.
Worst Person on the Field:
What the hell Adrian Peterson. Seriously, what the hell. He will be playing this Sunday because the Vikings organization, refreshingly, isn’t pretending to care about morality when their franchise player is on the line. Sux 2 b u, Non-Adrian-Peterson-former-Vikings.
UPDATE: I wrote this post Tuesday night. As of Wednesday morning, Adrian Peterson has been released by the Vikings who no doubt feared the sharp words of this respected young sports writer and inevitable backlash from the Toilet Ov Hell community.
Uninformed Picks from a Bad Gambler:
Did you take Baltimore at -3 last week like I told you to? Good, you won! Unfortunately, if you took Detroit and Seattle you lost big time. My current record is 3-3. Trained octopi likely have similar records.
This week I like Green Bay at +1 over Detroit, Indianapolis at -7 over Jacksonville, and the Chargers at +1 over Buffalo. And you can take that to the bank! But they’ll probably just look at you funny and ask what you’re doing at the bank.
Fantasy Football Update:
The Toilet ov Hell league is under way! Halbie dominated the hell out of Jason. Step it up Jason. W. got what was coming to him. I again lost by a margin of under 2 points AGAIN and I mad.
We’re done. Put this week in the books.