Whiff o’ the Week

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Greetings and welcome, flushers, to the newest weekly feature here in the toilet, Whiff o’ the Week. While the Masterlord affords you the opportunity to revel in your Saturday exuberance, rejoicing in completing another grueling work week and indulging in the mightiest of riffs, by the time Sunday rolls around, your ebullience has already faltered as the dread of the new week rears its stinky head. You’re looking back on the mistakes and wondering, “By Odin’s Raven, what was I thinking?” As an audible extension of that rank fear and regret, the new Whiff o’ the Week is here to collect the worst riffs of the week. What is that one stinker in an otherwise flawless back-catalogue? What band will never smell like roses to you? What’s your Whiff o’ the Week?

W.

I’ve never understood the obsession with Slipknot. Sure, some of the older songs are decent, but Corey Taylor’s lyrics have also reeked too much of teenage angst, and often the guitar parts follow suit. All Hope is Gone was an absolute turd, but that fruit hangs too low. Instead, I’ve chosen ”Vermilion pt. 1″ as my Whiff o’ the Week. I wasn’t completely familiar with Slipknot prior to seeing them at Mayhem a few years ago (I had heard a few songs and nothing had blown me away), but the live performance of “Vermilion” was at least interesting. Intrigued, I looked up the song and found it completely flaccid. The main riff is supposed to be brooding and menacing, but instead it just strikes me as lazy. Pee-yew!


 

Papa Joe Thrasknkill

I fully planned on making fun of a band of teenagers that are 10 years younger and 10 times better at the guitar than me, but it seemed like low-hanging fruit. Instead, let’s all point and laugh at this terrible Testament riff. When the riff kicks in at 0:10 I imagine a horde of Oompa Loompas dancing aggressively towards me. This riff stinks. [W.- I love Testament. Fight me out back by the dumpster at 3:00 pm].


 

The Masterlord

Starting at 8:26, this album (which I consider to be perfect otherwise) turns into some sort of circus shitshow. I don’t know what’s going on here, but I can’t tell you how much I hate it.


 

Saint Alfonzo

I’m not exactly happy to complain about one of my favorite bands, but if Black Masses was disappointing, then this approaches insulting. The riff that opened the former was pretty memorable, a swaggering climb with significantly more pep in its step than a fan of the first few albums might expect. This one sounds just similar enough to ring of déjà vu, but drops all melodic interest from the original. This is the sort of eye-rolling, amateur guitar work that makes me give up immediately on younger bands, so I certainly can’t stomach it coming from veterans of this caliber. THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF FLUSHER. This Edgar Allan blows.


 

Rho Stone

This.


 

CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL 

I’m nominating the riff that starts at 2:04 in Rex Tremendae Majestatis, on Belphegor’s new album. WTF is this tone deaf train wreck!?! It stands out as the only horrible riff on an album that is otherwise, wholly great!

[Unfortunately, I couldn’t find this song streaming anywhere online 🙁 But if you happen to listen to Conjuring the Dead, you’ve been warned!]


 

Jack Bauer

They lolbuttzed up that opening riff so badly.


 

Well, there you have it. Now go cleanse your palate with some righteous riffs.

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