Shirt Stains: Make It Shirt So Good

Riding shirty.

Just like how Jesse Ventura ain’t got time to bleed, I ain’t got time for intros. Here are a few random band shirts for you to point and laugh at while bits of Doritos and pizza bagels flow from your mouth like Niagara Falls.

Black Sabbath – Texas Roadhouse Bloody Texas Roadhouse

Did you know that the world’s biggest heavy metal band is also now a chain of mediocre steak houses? Well, you do now. This shirt is what happens when an executive from Yum! Foods wants to “connect with the youths of today with their rock music and Facebooking and feeling the burning things.” Come on down to Black Sabbath’s Steakhouse for down-home country cooking. Get a plate of Geezer Butler Biscuits, a Vinny Appice appetizer, have a Snowblind Margarita, and dig in to a Cozy Powell chili bowl. If I play “Sweet Leaf” backwards, do I get a really good bbq sauce recipe?

Why does Black Sabbath’s name have to appear (at least) four times on this shirt. Is it because the designers knew that there’s no possible way a human being with working eyes and an IQ above tapioca would think that this is indeed a Black Sabbath shit? What does a cattle skull have to do with Black Sabbath? One might surmise that this is a reference to Ozzy pissing on the Alamo, but then why not just have the Alamo on the shirt? If you light a red candle, stare into a mirror, and say “The stars at night are big and bright” this shirt appears…and then you have to wear it to a family function or something.

Defeater – Shirt Stains Within A Shirt Stains

Defeater is a “melodic hardcore” band from Boston, which means they want to go see Blood for Blood, but they might stand in the back just to be safe. Here’s an example of their music for those that are curious. They’re probably a good fit for people that like bands like Every Time I Die and Poison The Well. The’yre an up-and-coming band in that scene, headlining small tours. Good for the them. Hopefully this shirt turducken doesn’t derail their “mosh n’ feelings” train.

The only way that you would know that this is a shirt for the band Defeater is if you saw their squiggly logo on one of the arms. It’s a distinctive logo, I’ll give that. It’s a departure from the usual bold-faced logos, settling more for a shy, spaghetti-type feel. Of course, finding the band name means that you’ve broken the trance that the front of the shirt holds you in. It’s a picture of someone else wearing a shirt and dog tags. No face, no arms, just a torso.

Above the picture says “familiar with hell.” That’s not a Defeater album title. That’s not a Defeater song title. It’s a snippet of lyrics from a song called “No Faith.” Unless you really know the band, you’ll assume that their name is Familiar With Hell and maybe the album is called Defeater. The other sleeve has some writing on it. It looks like it says “Letters Low” but I don’t want to investigate further lest I slip into a neverending chasm of poor design and non-bosomed chests.

Illuminandi – Blurinandi

Illuminandi is a seven-piece Polish Christian folk metal band. I don’t smell burning toast, so I’m pretty sure I didn’t have a stroke while writing that description. I’m pretty sure they haven’t released an album in about six years, but they do provide a helpful rider pdf in case you’re thinking of booking them for your next church picnic or Beards N’ Bibles Jamboree. Most folk metal bands sing about drinking and fighting. Illuminandi wants to tell you about one set of footprints on the beach.

The band’s faith is in their songs because it’s obviously not in their shirt design. They took half an idea,, blew their nose with it, and said “Praise the lord, it’s good enough!” The frame shows some detail and a little bit of effort, which makes the smudgy red blob all the more confusing. Is this supposed to be an allegory for the suffering of Jesus? A simile? A metaphor? Did someone just spill cranberry juice on it? Is that a monk back there? A druid? Striborg? Get outta here, Striborg! Go back to your ice cabin and headbutt a Casio keyboard. It’s nice that they included long snot trails on each arm. Really helps brighten the shirt right up.

Augury – Brown Tide

Remember Augury? They’re a progressive death metal band from Montreal that put out an album on Nuclear Blast back in 2009. They’ve been working on an album since about 2013 and just recently posted on their Facebook page that drummer Etienne Gallo has once again left the band. Oof, that’s no good. You know what else is no good? This shirt.

This shirt looks like it was illustrated by a child describing what the bathroom at the Ramada Inn in Albany, New York looked like. It has all the charm of someone who has a “Ron Paul 1988” sticker still on their Oldsmobile Firenza. This shirt has an app on its phone that just makes fart noises.

Did the printer run out of colors or did Augury specifically ask for a mixture of browns, greys, blacks, and whites found only in the remnants of a soon-to-be-closed all-you-can-eat Indian buffet? The pokey bones and chunks would seem to confirm this. Like the Defeater shirt, I don’t think Carrion Tide is an Augury album or song title. Weird. Maybe they just think it sounds neat.

Thy Art Is Murder – Holy Shit

Would you feel comfortable walking around in public with a shirt that says “HOLY WAR” in huge bold letters? You’re better off wearing a “Kick Me” sign. That’s asking for so much trouble. Something like this may make you EdgeGawd666 during an intense session of Call of Duty: Basement Stench, but it has a serious chance of getting you punched in the face by a misunderstanding public. This shirt is another case of a band thinking their slogan or album title or whatever is more important than the band’s name itself. Maybe Thy Art Is Murder was ashamed of this and decided to hide their name on the sleeve.

They could have easily used their cover art for their album “Holy War” on the front of this shirt, right? Oh. Yeah, it’s probably a good idea that they didn’t do that. Amazing that their singer quit because of money issues. You’re saying shirts like this aren’t making your wallet explode like 7 Minutes In Heaven with WWE Diva Eva Marie? Shocking.

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