Shirt Stains: Nergal Statue Toy Thingy
As Above So Be-LOL.
Depending on who you ask (like the comments of Youtube, for example), Behemoth are one of the best bands out there today or a total boringburger with extra cheese. Much like Dimmu Borgir before them, Behemoth gained a bunch of steam among a wider audience before quickly and quietly falling back down to around the same level of popularity they had before. Ain’t nothing wrong with that, I just find it interesting. Personally, I think Behemoth are fine. Haven’t really listened to them enough to have a strong opinion, though they will always have a special place in my heart for playing in Israel and having a special message for bands that cancel shows there as a form of protest. Eat shit, Roger Waters. Get a better hobby. I mean, if Behemoth didn’t go to Israel, we wouldn’t have gotten this work of modern (f)art.
What does all this have to do with Shirt Stains? Well, for some reason, Behemoth have released a Nergal figurine. Here’s the description:
“A hand-painted ‘Nergal / Behemoth’ collectible figurine. Made of polyurethane resin, each piece is unique and slightly differs from others because of hand-painting.
Each figurine has a unique number, engraved on the ‘The Unholy Trinity’ metal coin located in the in the stand. Each figurine also gets a Certificate of Authenticity, hand signed by Nergal (the autograph is not printed). The certificate is made of high quality paper with embossed elements (Behemoth logo and Unholy Trinity) and you can stand this Certificate next to the figurine.”
So it’s essentially a toy and a signed piece of paper. For over $100. And it is already out of stock.
Just look at Nergal. He’s got a full-on Braniac meets The Leader thing going on. For the love of God, don’t let him team up with Lex Luthor or Abomination. It’s not a forehead, it’s an eighthead. His little hair tufts make him look like he’s stealing Animal‘s from The Road Warriors look. At least it matches his wispy beard that practically says “Hell yeah, I eat Cheetos. Why do you ask?” The stern look on his face says “Hail Satan” or possibly “Eating that Guacamole Bacon Thickburger from Carl Jr’s was a baaaaaaaad idea.” His spooky eyes just make it look like he’s sleeping.
Don’t like the black version? We’ll, you’re in luck because there’s also a “bright” version of the Nergal figurine. It’s not really bright as it is a “faded toilet bowl at a closed rest stop” color. Is his body replaced with smoke? Noodle pudding? The gaping space where Ted Cruz’s soul is supposed to be? Instead of the smoke monster from Lost, I wish they gave him a disproportionately small body and made this a bobblehead. Come on, you know you want an entire line of death and black metal musician bobbleheads. That’s a license to print money.
At the end of the day, this is just a fancier version of those Pop! Funko figures. It will just sit on your shelf and that’s about it. I mean, I guess you could use it for practical purposes like propping open doors, scratching your back, or sticking up your butt. Hey, no judgement here. You can do whatever you want with your Behemoth inaction figure. What you do behind closed doors is your own business. Just make sure to use lots of lube or a strong pair of tongs and a good healthcare plan.
