A Day in the Life ov Mailmanbro


As the title explicitly suggests, word for word, this is A Day in the Life ov Mailmanbro. Come spend a day in the shoes of the only person who makes your life worth living. Enter at your own risk (ov metallic boner).

12:16 pm: Wake up from dreams of endless meat chandeliers. Stumble to the toilet for massive piss. Snatch up toilet-side bong for massive bong-rip. Break wind, flush, briefly indulge idle homicide-fantasy. Check reflection in mirror; see gaping black hole.

12:33 pm: Whisky for breakfast.

12:59: Stop by the home of Hans, rip the bong, drop off items from Ballast, Rue Morgue, Cold Institution and, your favorite–Bong Ripper.


1:09 pm: Visit Antoine D. (of motherfluffin Cthe’ilist, y’all), bringing gifts of Pagan Altar, Slough Feg, Lör, and Demilich. Recall wet dream involving members of Slough Feg and Demilich. Contemplate keeping packages for yourself. Do the right thing instead.


1:34 pm: Hit up the domicile of Sweetooth0. Drop off goodies from  Forsaken Rite, a rad as fuck Toilet ov Hell Mix Tape, and some properly packaged non-damaged NiN vinyl. (The last time you delivered vinyl from NiN it was all jacked up because your last girlfriend left you for a guitar tech she met at a NiN show and you are still salty about it.)


3:03 pm: After blacking out for one hour and twenty-nine minutes (possibly entering a fugue state in which you are Carrie Page from Odessa), regain consciousness on the doorstep of Megan A. Deliver unto her a horrific bounty of Extremity, Undergang and Phrenelith. Bestow upon her the Official USPS award for Most Riffs Per Haul.


3:18 pm: Now frolic on to the office of Detective Jimmy McNulty, ferrying live show merch from Marduk (gasp!) and CDs by Pyrrhon (hipster trash) and Lör (LARPer trash). Thank him for his services; redeem ticket for one (1) hug.


3:41 pm: Somehow locate the imaginary land of Finland on your Flat Earth Map. Wander into the forested hills until you find Karhu passed out drunk on a big rock. Fling gifts of The Carnival, Skepticism, Vainaja and Tusmörke at him until he stirs. Heap general derision upon him; flee in paroxysms of needlessly ominous laughter.


3:55 pm: Whisky for lunch.

4:20 pm: Swoop on down to Australia. Knock with needless ardor on the door of Lacertilian. Rip bong in his face; offer none. Hand over the Nocturnus CD and Virus shirt he ordered. Begrudgingly commend him for finally getting hip to the glory that is Virus. Ask to use his toilet. Take monster hands-free piss, splashing urine everywhere. Flush toilet–just to watch the water swirl in the Wrong Fucking Direction.


4:27 pm: Whisky snack.

4:28 pm: Skip Edward’s house because Edward didn’t order anything for you to bring. Edward doesn’t give a toss about your livelihood or job security.


4:29 pm: Tigeraid awaits. Take monster dump on his doorstep. Leave box containing stuff from Anciients and Dead Quiet too. (His photo came in rotated 90º counter-clockwise. I fixed it.)


4:40 pm: Pull mail truck over to side of road; sob inexplicably for hours.

6:66 pm: Bring the classy af Slipjackthewanderer a classy af haul of Sannhet, Pyrrhon, Convverge and Haunnter/Blacck Vvice. Bring him a dead bird too, just cuz.


7:77 pm: Enter secondary fugue state in which you play stunt-cock for several prestigious Hollywood actors in “steamy” erotic thrillers.

Midnight: Drive mail van through the front door of Elegant Gazing Globe. Drop off Arch/Matheos vinyl and Toilet ov Hell Mix Tape and peal the fuck outta there. (Look closely and you can see the Mr. Globe giving me you the finger in the glossy reflection. Clever girl.)


3:00 am: ???

3:33 am: Wake up on a strange toilet in a strange bathroom. Note the vomit and blood spattered over various nearby surfaces. Only one item left in your mail bag. A CD by Polvo. Not even metal–this must be Richter’s toilet. (Plot Twist: It’s your toilet too because Richter is just another one of your many fugue identities.)

Das owl for this month people. If you’re a dirty lurker or a Mailmanbro naysayer who secretly yearns to get in on the action, find your way to the Toilet ov Hell facebook group and fill out the requisite paperwork.

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