Joe Dickstein, mansion owner and latest drummer for late 90’s FM radio darlings Clove Hitch, has been officially titled the single most magnificent creature to ever lay stick to skin. At least according to a website poll anyone in the world could vote on as many times as they wanted, regardless of a possible and likely total lack of experience in the subject and art of playing drums. Also worth noting, a poll mostly Clove Hitch fans were made aware of. 

“This is such an immense honor. I am truly speechless. This is wholly surreal to me,” said Dickstein, who happens to hold a capable beat for a band with millions more followers, likes and subscribers online than the other drummers nominated. “I just wished to express to all those other drummers not-so-blessed with talent within our community: none of you should feel like complete fucking hacks and failures in the wake of my untouchable greatness, despite how much you all definitely do.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for inspiring me to be better than you.”

The web page’s open voter poll—which is definitely the end-all-be-all definitive qualifier for whom among mortals is closest to touching an objective godhood in the mastery of drumming—was shared on Clove Hitch’s Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Twitch Stream, Discord Channel, and Dickstein’s personal Tinder bio. This way, as many Clove Hitch fans as digitally possible could be funneled towards this poll where the drummer of their favorite multi-platinum act was featured, and when there, be reasonably trusted to choose the Indisputable Snare Lord among several nominees without preformed favoritism or bias. 

“I accept this rightful distinction, modest and humbled,” stated Dickstein on his Twitter page where he has more followers than people you will ever even see driving through traffic in your entire lifetime. “With that said: Keith Moon, Neil Peart, Gene Hoglan, Mike Mangini, Chris Adler, Hannes Grossman, Brann Dailor, fuck, Jay Weinberg? It doesn’t matter; past, present, overrated, underrated, iconic or obscure, you can all line up and tune this head if you know what I’m saying.”