Feelings Are Stupid
My dear, beloved Lady Stockhausen is truly better than any dead composer deserves. She is the wind beneath my ragged corpse, the light that my long-since-decayed eyeballs cherish deeply. Lately, however, I have secluded myself to the back room of our dwelling. Why, you ask (trust me, you did)? She has nostalgically taken up a dedicated viewing of probably the worst show there has ever been: One Tree Hell Hill. With that show in mind, let’s take a deep breath and say it together. Feelings are stupid.
To her credit, she knows it’s a dweeby show, filled to the brim with any excuse to violently maim the viewer’s heartstrings. In the same way, I know that watching the same episode of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia for the fifth time probably isn’t doing me much good. We all have our things. But let’s get back to how bad One Tree Hill is. You know how most TV drama episodes end with a sappy, overly emotional song playing while the scenes shift between characters really, like, learning something about themselves, and, like, just, hurting, you know? Well, every episode of One Tree Hill is like that FOR THE ENTIRE EPISODE. HUMAN BEINGS CANNOT FEEL THAT MANY FEELINGS. Seriously, there’s a heinously maudlin acoustipop song playing from the first scene to the last. The soundtrack for a given season would cost over 100 dollars simply because they never aren’t churning out some touchy-feely garbage song under the terrible dialogue. This is a good time to get to the point, again: feelings are stupid, and if you see any, punch them in the face with metal.
One Tree Hill has motivated me to reconnect with my inner rage, and I wanted to share that playlist with all of you. What better way to start than with some fuzzy, hideous violence? We covered the release of Boddicker‘s Crime Upheaval last year, but I wanted to bring it up again. This album is nothing short of a compact ball of violent rage and distorted fury. No time for feeling things, only time for punching them.
At this point you should be listening to Teeth. If you’re not, I’ll wait. Ok. So now you’re listening to Teeth. We’ve done a few sessions of ignorant hate moshing here on the Toilet, much to my raging pleasure (not as dirty as it sounds). However, sometimes I like to branch out with my bitter hatred. The blackened, death-driven vitriol of Teeth may not immediately transport you to a circle pit, but will inspire you to find something nice and drag it through mud and bile while slowly rubbing salt in your own wounds. On that topic, look at this guy’s face.
That’s a character on One Tree Hill. Seriously. Mother Teresa would have straight uppercutted this guy. On top of that, remember that the main plot of shows like One Tree Hill revolves around having a girlfriend and feeling lots of things. So that means you would watch that guy with that face have a serious, tear-filled talk about something, probably, with a girl. Continue listening to Teeth while you imagine Mother Teresa punishing this jabroni’s terrible, punchable face. She got to be pretty old, so you better believe it would be slower and gruesome, making Teeth the perfect band for the occasion.
Speaking of gruesome, the 2015 demo from Pneuma Hagion should get the hate flowing. It’s only three short tracks, so you have plenty to look forward to from this one-man project. Dense, choking death metal is the name of the game, with growling vocals straight out of a One Tree Hill character’s nightmare. You can try moshing in the thick, heinous darkness, but you might just get stabbed by Satan.
He’s crying because his name in real life is Chad. Srs.
More often than not, hate is spelled G-R-I-N-D. I’m definitely no grind scholar, but one of my favorite weird grind-ish acts has to be Corvid Canine. Previous releases from this lone madman border on power electronics and weird noise, and his numerous splits are just as unpredictable. The new album is a raucous mess of grind ‘n’ roll, and I would love to imagine it playing in an episode while the saps on screen talk about how things just aren’t the same, and you’ve changed, and I need you back, and DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE, WRETCHED MADNESS SHRIEKING IN THE BACKGROUND RIGHT NOW.
Last but not least, I truly feel that no bitter hate-fest would be complete without Brain Famine. Their name has been tossed around here and there around the blog and the Facebook page, but the caveman brutality of this album is everything I want when I need to rage. This fantastic album may be all we get from them, as the band is a side project of some otherwise busy dudes, but it’s enough stomping madness to last a lifetime. Ahhhhh…I feel much better.
To sum up, One Tree Hill sucks more than anything, and feelings are stupid. I hope you enjoyed the rampaging hatred, hit me with some more in the comments. She has like, a hundred seasons left.
