Periphery – Alpha: A Video Breakdown


Peripher-you, Peripher-me.

For me, Periphery falls under the “I think I’ve heard their songs before, but I’m not positive” category. The Contortionist, Animals As Leaders, Tesseract, Monuments and about 30 other djenty proggy noodle bands also fall in this category. They all just kind of blend together in a thick stew made of guitars with too many strings,”dreamy” vocals, and flannel shirts. If that description bothers you, write a 12 minute song about it. Don’t forget the chuggity chugs and “pretty” parts. People seem to really like them, so, in the interest of fairness, I will give them a chance by breaking down the video for their new song “Alpha”.

0:04: Rainbow Gravity sounds like a Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie
0:08: Aww, he sleeps like a 4 year old.
0:13: Someone spiked his Monster Java – Kona Blend.
0:18: This guy doesn’t wear socks? His shoes must stink.
0:20: Of COURSE he has a flask.
0:35: “Da fuk iz dis?”
0:41: “She had ‘Man hands’”
0:48: Oh, so he’s playing a survival-horror game.
0:56: And he’s losing badly.
1:00: Not his “Participation: 2nd Place” trophy! Noooooooo!
1:03: Apparently that trophy was made out of bad special effects.
1:14: And now he’s on to “Suburbia Simulator 2000”.
1:20: Level: Prefabricated Las Vegas Neighborhood.
1:26: I’m guessing a lot of people have that look right about now.
1:32: Trick or treat, bitches!
1:49: Looks like someone’s parents found his “N00dz” folder.
1:54: “I was just holding them for a friend!”
1:58: That’s the same strategy amateur hackers use when the police find them.
2:05: Hahaha woooow on all levels.
2:20: This guy just barges into houses.
2:26: Municipal Waste must live here.
2:35: Easy on the Peppermint Schnapps, pal.
2:48: This is where a chest burster pops out of him.
2:51: Stupid fuckin’ hood!
3:00: Texts “Hey baby wanna f000korz???” to everyone on his contacts list.
3:11: Aw, it’s that friendship bracelet Lindsay Lohan gave him.
3:16: Dude, have you ever heard of knocking?
3:23: The crappy video is filming from inside the house!
3:38: Sure, why not?
3:47: They’re wearing the same thing. Awkward!
3:54: The same thing happens when you walk across a rug wearing socks on a dry day.
4:01: Without his keys, how will he ever be able to ride his skateboard?
4:07: Mwwwwwwah!
4:19: They really ran out of ideas when they made Grand Theft Auto 19.
4:25: It was so good the first time they just had to show it again.
4:28: Inception, bitch!
4:39: Hmmm, now where did I park my skateboard?
4:53: It’s possessed! Smash it!
5:05: Not my Hyundai Elantra!
5:11: Heavy Metal 2015
5:20: I’m lost. So the CIA knew Internal Affairs was setting them up?
5:39: So it was all a dream.
5:40: A stupid, stupid dream.
5:51: A stupid, stupid emo-bro dream.

That sure was deep and introspective. Or something. And those special effects were really…something…yeah. Here I was thinking they were a metal band. Silly me. I want those 6 minutes of my life back. I’ll be sending Sumerian Records a bill in the mail.

(Photo VIA)

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