Rollin’ Coal with Dave Grohl
Ever wanted to get some advice from rock and roll legend and master of total awesomeness, Dave FRICKIN’ Grohl?* You’re in luck! Recently, members of the Toilet ov Hell Facebook group submitted questions for modern rock icon Dave Grohl. The nicest, most awesome guy in all of music was kind enough to answer some of your plebeian questions. Sip advice from this ever-flowing font of positivity and good vibes. I think we can all agree that Dave is amazing and none of us are worthy.
Dave, what are your thoughts on dadbods and manbuns? –Edward
Fuck yeah, man. You motherfuckers probably don’t know this, but I’m a fuckin’ dad. Relax though, I’m a COOL dad. I still know how to fuckin’ rock, OK? Don’t get that shit twisted. You’ve just gotta express yourself how the rock n’ roll makes you feel, man. Because that’s all that matters. The rock, man. And how the rock makes you feel.
Dave, what is the best song Radiohead never wrote? — Steve
I really respect Radiohead as musicians, y’know? I’ve never listened to their music. Don’t care for a bunch of fuckin’ bleep bloop computer noises, but I really respect those guys. Anyway, the best song Radiohead never wrote is “Big Me”. Cuz I fuckin’ wrote that song.
Dave, is this rash contagious? –Zack
MAN, I’ll fuckin’ tell you what’s contagious, alright? And that’s fuckin’ rock and roll, man. Since the dawn of time, nothing has been more compelling than just fuckin’ four dudes in a room with some instruments fuckin’ wailing on some 4/4 blues-based music. You think the fuckin’ moon landing could have happened without some fuckin’ Foo jamming in Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit? NO WAY. That rash? Pure fuckin’ rock and roll, brother. Embrace it.
Dave, should I hire someone to do my taxes or do them myself? –George
Man, look at me. I dropped outta fuckin’ high school. Back then, I was listening to really, really fucked up music like fuckin’ SLAYERRRR. Back then, literally no one else in the world was into punk fuckin’ rock. I’m all about the music, man, so I don’t know nothin’ about BUSINESS or TAXES. That’s for fuckin’ suits, man. Are you a fuckin’ suit? I bet you are, you fuckin’ chicken finger-eating motherfucker. Anyway, I’m worth about a quarter billion, so I’ve got a guy that does it for me. Highly recommend him.
What’s the key to world peace, stopping hunger, global warming, cancer, and AIDS? –Scott
Brother, I’ll tell you exactly what I told Jonas Salk when he was trying to invent a vaccine for fuckin’ polio: “You can do this, man. You can do this if you believe in yourself and you believe in fuckin’ rock n’ roll.” And you know what that little nerd did? He started a hard rockin’ power trio. Yeah, they put out an EP, gigged a bit up and down East coast, opened up for fIREHOSE once. He didn’t have to fuckin’ audition for American Idol to do that. That’s the fuckin’ power of rock n’ roll, man. I later finished his work on the vaccine but gave ol’ Jonesy credit. What can I say? I’m a nice guy.
Dave, what’s THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST in life? –Daniel
Dave, I am a really nice guy but all the girls around me just date jerks. How can I get out of the friendzone and convince these girls that nice guys like me are better for them than jerks? –Tommy
Man, all you gotta fuckin’ do is get in the garage with your friends, some shitty old equipment and start banging out some fuckin’ rock and roll, man. You just need to become the fifth drummer in a band that’s been gradually gaining acclaim for a long fuckin’ time, and start putting out ROCK N’ ROLL records, y’know? You’ll sell millions of fuckin’ albums and get the financial freedom and notoriety to do what you really wanna do, man. From there, the women will just flock to you. It’s really that fuckin’ simple, man.
Dave, your existence seems to disprove atheism. Your thoughts? –Wes
Brother, there’s only one true god, ok? And that’s rock and fuckin’ roll. When I got bored of my eternal existence, just watchin’ bacteria mutate and multiply, I got down to business and invented the fuckin’ Neve recording console. And you know what happened next? No? C’mon. Guess. Just guess. Give up? Fuckin’ Nevermind happened. Yeah, that’s right.
Why did you have to kill Kurt Cobain to further your own career? –Mike
Look man, I didn’t kill Kurt.
How did you and Courtney kill Kurt? –Matt
Dude, I just said I didn’t – you know, man, that’s really fuckin’ uncool.
Dave, do you ever feel like young you would be disappointed at current you for making the most perfectly mediocre radio rock? –Evan
MOTHERFUCKER, I AM ETERNAL. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME AND YOU CANNOT FUCKIN’ DEFEAT ME.
Dave, how do you manage to be so cool? –Tim
Man, you just gotta be fuckin’ humble. It’s only rock n’ roll, brother.
*Dave Grohl visited via oujia board communications with Joe Thrashnkill. If there was an error in the astral projection transcriptions, we’re pretty sure we can’t be sued.