Saltatio Mortis – Wachstrum Uber Alles: A Video Breakdown

November 4, 2015

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Actung, baby!

Napalm Records never fails to bring both the lols and the wtfs. Due to the magic of Youtube recommendations this wonderful piece of artwork came to my attention. I’ve been waiting to do this breakdown for a long time. Just look at the face in that main image. Look at it! You know this is going to be a joy.

I can’t say I know all that much about Saltatio Mortis. Saltatio Mortis is a German medieval/folk metal band on Napalm Records. My Latin is a little bit rusty, but I think their name means either “Dance of death”, “salty corpse” or “Look at these goofy Deutchbags”. I think you’ll agree that all three are acceptable. Still unsure? Saltatio Mortis has 8 members, and more than one plays the bagpipes.

0:08: Eyes Wide Lolbuttz
0:11: The Burger King has got nothing on this guy.
0:14: Saltatio Mortis’s headgear is just top notch right now.
0:17: What’s in the box?! What’s in the box?!?
0:21: Way to make bass players even lamer.
0:25: “Eeeehehehehehe… oh, sorry. I was just thinking about something I saw on Big Bang Theory last night.”
0:27: A steampunk bagpiper player. This just created a rip in the space-time dorktinuum.
0:32: “Here, hold my goblet of Mountain Dew: Livewire for a sec.”
0:33: Jesus, it just keep getting worse!
0:37: It’s like the band was hit by a bus carrying Rosie O’Donnell’s “adult time” costumes.
0:39: And the force of that bus slammed them through a wall and into an Estonian goth club on Fetish Night.
0:43: The definition of “man-spreading”.
0:46: When you’re talking to your glass, it’s time to cut out the Peppermint Schnapps.
0:50: Tom Cruise feeds his kids the same way.
0:55: Man, life really goes to hell when you don’t have internet.
0:58: I believe we can call that a “Medieval Merol” face. It’s an answer to the “Black Merol” face.
1:01: Dude, stop trying to make “Steampunk bagpiper fetch” happen.
1:04: You ever think his pseudo-devilock ever accidentally gets into his mouth?
1:12: Saltatio Mortis: Clear supporters of the “Free The Nipple” campaign.
1:16: And do you ever think his chin devilock gets in his mouth too?
1:20: What I’m saying is that his mouth is probably full of all sorts of things.
1:25: Apparently, gold food is high in transfats.
1:29: I take it back. That’s the face of Medieval Merol.
1:30: Jesus, Gunter, what did we tell you?
1:37: They’ve got to be sneaking him golden Doritos or something.
1:44: Just when I think we’ve found Medieval Merol face, they pull me back in.
1:50: The goggles on the top hat are nice touch. Real helpful. Goes great with his steam-powered unicycle.
1:55: Why did it take almost 2 minutes for us to see the creepiest person in this video? He’s like a Renaissance Paul Orndorff.
1:58: Never accept a drink from a stranger. Double never accept a drink from a stranger that looks like this guy.
2:07: Faygo: Chamber Pot
2:15: Whoop whoop!
2:18: He’s two seconds away from tying one of those ladies to train tracks.
2:26: “Hahaha, metaphors!”
2:27: Was… was that a hurdy gurdy?
2:34: How has this not become a reality show on Fox? “Feed The Fatty” is right up their alley.
2:40: At this point, I think the singer should be given the AVN lifetime achievement award in facials.
2:43: His jiggling is almost hypnotic.
2:49: That’s some real purty lipstick you’ve got on.
2:56: Yup! That’s a hurdy gurdy. A hurdy fucking gurdy.
3:04: “Run or else ve vill get der fatty-fatness too, ja?”
3:08: “FAAATTTHEERRR… HUG YOUR SON!!!!!”
3:17: What, is the stick made out of chocolate or something?
3:22:… Damn it, Gunter.
3:25: No one’s going to help him?
3:28: So much for the famous German hospitality we hear so much about.
3:31: This is how we say “goodbye” in Germany.
3:35: Not his douche-crown, nooooo!
3:41: Gasp! He was made out of blueberry pie this entire time!
3:43: Hahahahahahahahaha.
3:47: And now “Dudelsack” will become part of my regular vocabulary.
3:50: I’ll bet the Germans have a very specific word for this video.