Madison Rising: The Star-Spangled Banner: A Video Breakdown


America the brutal.

It’s the 4th of July so that means Americans doing what America does best: getting drunk on cheap beer, wearing too little clothing, and blowing stuff up. Another constant of the 4th of July celebration is crappy patriotic butt rock. Whether it’s at the beach, a sporting event, a festival or just in a friend’s backyard, thoroughly mediocre rock music about America will be played at an annoying volume. Whatever it takes to drown out the country’s sorrows and fears, amirite?

While most of these bands and country musicians with their stupid hats blend together, there’s one patriotic band rising to the top of the red, white, and blue crap heap: Madison Rising. These anti-immigrant, gun-worshipping flag bangers may best be known for butchering the national anthem at a NASCAR event. You know you’ve fucked up when your version angers and/or amuses NASCAR drivers and fans.

Hey, sometimes bands have off performances. It happens to everyone. Maybe they were just so exhausted from loving America earlier in the day that they just couldn’t love America for a second time. Let’s give “America’s Most Patriotic Band” a chance to show us what the home of the deep-fried Twinkie is all about.

0:01: The title was up for less than a second. This video must be so action-packed that they don’t have time for things like words.
0:06: Nothing more American than out-of-place bass.
0:09: God bless Jesus… uh, I mean America.
0:14: I don’t believe that’s their actual studio. Where’s the weeping bald eagle clutching the Constitution?
0:17: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to stop grooving.
0:21: Why yes, that is a grenade on his microphone stand.
0:25: He looks like James Franco’s slower cousin, Frank Franco.
0:29: Mmmm that’s some good low-def stock footage.
0:32: Seriously, they couldn’t find a shot of the Statue of Liberty taken any time within the past 2 decades?
0:39: See, they had no problem wandering over to a construction site for this shot of the flag.
0:44: They’re using a clip shot in the aftermath of 9/11.
0:51: If they try to sell us commemorative 9/11 coins, I’m going to throw a steaming apple pie in each one of their faces.
0:58: Yes, that’s how drumming works.
1:01: I… I don’t think I can handle this exploitation.
1:06: On second thought, I’ll take the real footage over this masturbatory studio nonsense.
1:14: Pretty sure all of these soldiers who fought for the country didn’t sign up to be in a butt rock music video.
1:20: This is the exact moment hundreds of NASCAR fans and drivers died inside.
1:26: The Bill Of Rights does not protect that facial hair.
1:38: Now we’re getting to a whole new level of creepy.
1:43: Are we going to get shots of showers in military barracks next?
1:49: This one I don’t get. Hot-air balloons? Did Ronnie bang Nancy in one during the 80’s or something?
1:55: Soon to be the Former Home Of The People With Ears.
2:03: Random 1 second of live footage…
2:08: Hey, that’s a hockey rink! These guys are really Canadians!
2:15: I’m sure Major League Baseball loves their footage being used too.
2:23: How has Donald Trump not had Madison Rising playing at one of his events?
2:27: It would be the classiest, most best fantastic event ever.
2:33: So how many times do you think they’ve fucked the American flag?
2:39: I mean literally have sexual relations with the flag. Because there’s no way the answer is zero.
2:40: Yeah, take that First Amendment!
2:47: Snake from Voivod wants his hair back.
2:55: *googles dual citizenship options*
3:05: This is like one of those awful commercials that they show on free TV channels.
3:10: Yeah, those are real commercials for a very real website.
3:16: Madison Rising must live in the universe, where every day is an episode of Leave It to Beaver.
3:22: The American flag should issue a restraining order against Madison Rising.
3:33: There are pornos less exploitative than this video.
3:37: If they’re trying for subliminal messaging, it’s not working.
3:44: Why couldn’t his grenade accidentally go off during the recording?
3:51: Please send your flaming bags of shit to

This is normally where I mention when a band’s album is coming out on what label it is being released on, but nah. Just nah. Happy 4th of July.

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