Shirt Stains: Now You’re In The Shirt


Sgt. Joe Fury And His BOFAing Commandos.

“I’ve seen bad band shirts…band shirts that you’ve seen. But you have no right to call me a band shirt murderer. You have a right to make fun of my band shirt. You have a right to do that… but you have no right to judge me. It’s impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what bad band shirts mean. Horror. Bad band shirts have a face… and you must make a friend of bad band shirts. Bad band shirts and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies.”

Lorna Shore is a deathcore band from New Jersey. Last year they released Flesh Coffindeathcoreother via Outerloop Records. Now that we have the background information out of the way, look at this goddamn shirt. There’s been a growing trend over the past few years, usually among and -core types, of bands putting out tie dye merch. Seems odd, right?

Maybe a bottle of bleach accidentally spilled on plain black Lorna Shore shirts and they decided to run with it. I’d like that explanation more than “Yeah, we had a really cool design and decided to ruin it because other bands have tie-dye shirts. Now we’ll never know what the Dorito Illuminati has planned for us. You were our only hope Lorna Shore and you screwed it all up. Freemasons run the country! Disney runs the FBI! All hail the Lizard King!

You may remember I Declare War from such classy merch as this and this and this. Amazingly, this shirt manages to avoid IDW’s trend to be as shocking as possible. It’s still dumb, just not shocking. For the non-wrestling fans out there, that’s WWE star Daniel Bryan (or if you’re an old-school fan of his, “American Dragon” Brian Danielson). He’s a beloved wrestler that, despite his size and “look”, became WWE Champion thanks in large part to genuinely and organically connecting with the fans. By all accounts, he’s a good guy which makes this shirt all the more head-scratching. Maybe it’s a throwback to old Ring of Honor chants like “Bryan’s gunna kill you,” but that’s a stretch considering they shirt uses a more recent picture of him.

Speaking of which, how much do you think I Declare War or their label paid both WWE and Bryan to use his image? Lots? It’s lots, right? They just back up a truckload of money to use his image. WWE was so dazzled that they made no fuss of their own shirt being parodied. It’s not a big deal, though. I Declare War could have easily put Chris Benoit on this shirt to fulfill their “shocking” shirt quota.

Blllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhh. This is what happens when you accidentally swap your deedilies for weedilies, Archspire. You went so technical and so fast that you ripped a hole in the space-time continuum and a nigh-omnipotent space beetle-turd named Todd crossed over into our dimension. Todd only craves human flesh and papaya-flavored IPAs. He’s taking a year off of college to find himself and maybe go backpacking across Andromeda. He also, apparently, has the ability to make everything either blue or brown for some reason.

Some of you will say this shirt is “cool”. You are wrong. It’s okay to be wrong. Admitting it is the first step towards recovery. Just know that Todd loves you very much. Sure, he’ll use his mandibles to tear the flesh from your bones and his acid spit will boil your eyeballs in their sockets, but he is here for you whenever you need it.

My eyes! My precious, precious eyes! This is what happens when you take the brown acid. This is what happens when you swallow gum. This is what happens when tear the “Do Not Remove” tag off your mattress. This is what happens when you cook with Carolina Reaper peppers and then go to the bathroom. This is what happens when you do an interview with Toilet Ov Hell.

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