Shirt Stains: Reefer Sadness

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Just say “Nope”

So 4/20 was this week, the annual celebration of people who need an excuse to be extra annoying about marijuana. Smoking pot specifically because the calendar says it’s April 20th is right up there with posting old photos just because it’s a Thursday and the internet dictates that you can only share said photos on Throwback Thursday. If you’re going to do something, do it. Preferably in the safety of your own home, far away from me. You were probably going to eat a lot of Funions and watch Tosh.0 anyway. Oh, and by the way, yes you totally look high and everyone knows.

Personally, I abstain from drugs (alcohol too!) so 4/20 is just another day except with more people listening to Sublime and 311. The marijuana legalization fight is heating up. Makes no difference to me. If it happens, fine. If it doesn’t, fine. What isn’t fine are these wacky-tobacky infused band shirts.

Suicide Silence – Eddie Hempmida

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It’s no secret the purveyors of “hurgle gurgle core” (P.S. I’m trademarking that term) enjoy their herbal remedies. 2 members recently did an interview with B-Real from Cypress Hill while “hotboxing” and the band has a song creatively titled “Smoke”. So the band having a shirt with multiple pot leaves isn’t a shock. What is a shock is that there isn’t a Suicide Silence beaded door curtains or lava lamps.

The idea of having drugs on your shirt seems edgy only for the angry high-schooler and undergrad crowd, which conveniently plays right into SS’s fan wheelhouse.

“It’s got pot and a skull on it! Brutal shirt, Jayden!”

“Thanks, Hayden. Totes brutes. Let’s go wear flat-brimmed caps and yell at people over Xbox. And then maybe we can smooch, but it’ll be okay because we’re high and it won’t count.”

Not sure why the skullijuana is melting. Maybe it’s made out of leftover wizard candles and Hot Pocket cheese residue. The band was so excited for their Evil Bong-lite character that they covered part of their name with it. Why is their name in two different fonts? Dave’s not here, man. That’s why.

I do love the look on the model’s face. That’s a total “I really hope mom never sees this” look.

Morbid Angel – Illud Dankivium Insanus

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(shirt courtesy of Tshirt Slayer)

Some bands play coy with their love of Mary Jane. Maybe a reference in a song here, a funny little comment during a live set there. Not Morbid Angel, according to this shirt. If it wasn’t for MA’s metal-looking logo, you could probably dance around Hempfest with impunity. You can twirl and hula hoop and hackey sack to your hearts content if it wasn’t for the inverted crucifix, inverted pentagram, pitchfork, and two devil tails. I suppose it does make sense, though. Marijuana is the Devil’s candy after all.

There really isn’t much else to say about the shirt other than it includes the highly unnecessary and (in my opinion the unnecessary repeating sleeve print. Pot. Morbid Angel. Pot Morbid Angel. Pot. We get it. Now that I look about it, pot leaves show up more on the shirt than the band name. That preference for doobie snacks might explain certain albums in Morbid Angel’s discography.

Pantera – Re-Spect Pot Waddaya*cough*cough* Oh man I have no idea what’s going on

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I know what you’re thinking, but yes, Pantera did indulge in grass from time to time. Yup, even Diamond Darrell. Sorry to have to break it to some of you. Pantera loved putting pot on their shirts almost as much as skulls so it’s fitting that a shirt of there’s contains multiples of both. The only thing missing is a confederate flag. What, they couldn’t paint the stars and bars on one of the skulls? How else would people know about your “Southern Pride”? You’ll just have to point them to the “Git-R-Done” and “Getcha Pull” bumper stickers on your rusty pickup.

Ride for Dime! Smoke for Dime! Skull for Dime! Tattoo yourself for Dime! Brush your teeth with RC Cola for Dime! Eat Slim Jims on white bread for Dime! Subscribe to Kinky Clobber Magazine for Dime! Accept the fact that the South will never rise again for Dime!

Cephalic Carnage – I think they’re trying to tell us something

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Cephalic Carnage’s love of Satan Sticks is well known, but just in case you didn’t know, the decided to make this…shirt? Yeah, I guess we can call it a shirt. The only that would make this more pro-pot were if it were made entirely out of recycled copies of High Times and leftover Zig-Zag papers. This band loves pot so much that they made the name completely illegible just so they could have more pot on it. Ron Paul doesn’t love smoke as much as these guys.

I though stoners were supposed to be a calm bunch. Kill for weed? Is that necessary? How about “Sit down and have a mature conversation for weed” or maybe “Lobby your local lawmakers for weed”? Choking pig cops in the name of ganja seems a bit extreme. The design really has a missed opportunity in that the bong-masked fellow isn’t a wolf. Wouldn’t it make sense and be far more creative of having the big bad wolf choking the three little pigs? Perhaps they thought of the idea, but someone rang the doorbell and one of them answered the phone, thus causing intense amounts of giggling and coughing, forever rendering the idea lost to the sands of time.

Emmure – Goofballs in Disguise

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Purple Haze and Emmure go together like bros and reading. Much like Suicide Silence, Emmure is appealing to the angry stoner demographic, but this time, they cram in cartoons too. Nothing says “Unstoppable Unbreakable” like watching cartoons and smoking the reefer. The only thing you’re going to break is the couch after stuffing yourself with Cheez Whiz stuffed chili burritos and Mr. Pibb. Also, you can’t really be unstoppable if you haven’t even moved in the past few hours.

I hope Emmure and Victory Records are prepared for the Optimus Prime-sized reaming they could receive from the creators of Transformers. They would’ve been better off stealing the Go-Bots symbol. I suppose they used a well-known logo to draw attention away from the hilariously terrible blunts they photoshopped on to the shirt. “No one will notice, dude because they’ll be all like “Whoooa Decepticions!’ and their minds are going to be so blown! Heh heh heh heh…heh heh heh…heh see you suck his dick…heh heh”.

If D.A.R.E. Was smart, they would just show these shirts to kids. It would keep them off drugs forever.

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