Sweater Stains: A Very In Flames Christmas


The sound of good taste fading.

With Christmas just a few days away, most of you have no doubt been invited to some sort of work holiday party where “Ugly Christmas Sweaters” were encouraged if not outright required. “Forced fun makes the workplace better” said someone in HR who has no soul and probably eats Fancy Feast for lunch. I had really expected this unnecessary trend to die out, but then again, I expected people to stop wearing Uggs somewhere around 2006. WRONG! That’s what I get for expecting people to not be monsters. At least society finally agreed to stop keeping up with the Kardashians.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Ugly Christmas Sweaters. What an incredible waste of money. Buying something that is purposely ugly and really only wearable once or twice a year? If you told me Lizard People in conjuncture with the numbskulls at InfoWars had concocted the ugly sweater trend in an effort to people’s self esteem, I would maybe, kinda, sort believe you. It seems like everything with a logo has gotten in on ugly sweaters. Sports teams, movies, and unfunny jokes that only one of those freaks that posts Minions memes would laugh at are all par for the course. Of course, ugly sweaters for metal bands exist too and the trend continues this year.


In Flames, always on the cusp of what’s popular 2 years ago, have also gotten in on the ugly sweater train. Congratulations, In Flames. You promised us an ugly sweater and you certainly gave us an ugly sweater. The one time the band finally delivers this decade and it’s for this thing. Maybe it’s just the picture (EMP Exklusiv, you guys!), but the colors on this sweater are blander than a slice of pizza in Northern Iowa. Those aren’t just a funny string of words, I speak from experience. Yuck. That’s the saddest look reds and greens this side of Little Debbie Red Velvet Christmas Tree Cakes. Again, experience.

Sad colors and early-onset diabetes aside, this sweater deems no space safe as it crams in as many snowflakes, Jester Heads, and flaming trees as possible. Get it? ‘Cause they’re called In Flames and it’s Christmas and because they definitely had to submit they idea 5 minutes before the the deadline. We’re greeted with a big “MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM IN FLAMES” across the chest, letting all you non-Christians wallow in our seasonal depression alone. Score one for big-time “War Of Christmas” knuckleheads like Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump. The sweater manages to cram “IN FLAMES WE TRUST” across both arms and the stomach plus “GOTHENBURG SWEDEN” around the waste. The logic for this falls somewhere in the range of “Must fill all space to distract what remaining fans we have left!” For good measure, the sugar cookie-induced fever dream continues on the back.


Oof. There is no escape. There is no joy. There is no holly, jolly Christmas. There is muddy greens and reds. There is an unhealthy amount of Jester Heads. There is IN FLAMES WE TRUST. Make sure to wear this to your next holiday party. It will go great with your In Flames pants. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

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