The Road to the Pooper Bowl – Week 4: Slammin’ Highlights
Good afternoon sports fans. I could easily go into another screed about power, wealth, and institutional corruption but I don’t really want to write it and you don’t want to read it. Instead, let’s get straight to the highlights of the week.
Last week opened with one of the worst blowouts I’ve ever seen with Atlanta beating the ever-loving dog shit out of Tampa. Between the Bucs and the Jags, this is going to be (another) terrible year for Floridians. FORTUNATELY, there were a few thrilling games to make up for that shit show. Dallas (haaaay) narrowly avoided another embarrassment by taking a difficult victory over St. Louis and Baltimore just BARELY defeated the Browns.
For my money, there was one game worth a damn last week: Washington at Philadelphia. An overtime victory, bad blood (via Maclin), hard hits, violence, palpable hate; this game had it all. The NFL makes it all but impossible to show game film but I’ve gone ahead and made this highlight reel of the game using the tragically limited resources available and my own poor video editing abilities. I hope you enjoy.
Here’s what’s coming up.
Best Game of the Week:
Green Bay at Chicago. This is a real rivalry game between two teams that aren’t nearly as good as their fans will have you believe. Expect tons of midwesterners drunkenly yelling at each other.
Worst Game of the Week:
Jacksonville at San Diego. I’m picking the Chargers by 30.
Baseless Predictions of the Week:
Your fantasy team will be destroyed because your best players are on Bye week.
Worst Person on the Field:
James Harrison! He retired last season so I was afraid I’d never get to pick him for this spot. Thankfully, he is returning to Pittsburgh to needlessly injure more defenseless players. Click here to see him end Colt McCoy’s career while wearing fucking KEVLAR inside his helmet. You’re a terrible person, James.
Uninformed Picks from a Bad Gambler:
Last week I told you to take Indy at -7 over Jacksonville and San Diego at +1 over Buffalo. Both were solid gold, baby! Also, I told you to take Green Bay at +1 over Detroit. That was stupid. You shouldn’t have done that. I am 5-4 on the season. You can achieve a similar record by picking games at random and flipping a coin.
This week I like Washington at -4 over New York, the Lions at -2 over the Jets, and San Diego at -14 over Jacksonville. Really.
Fantasy Football Update:
I’m in dead last place. I’m not qualified to talk about football.
I apologize for the brevity of this post. This week has been jam packed with working on exciting new features for the site. I hope you’ll understand.