Those who can’t do, teach. Those who really can’t, make album art for metal bands.

At the end December, people tend to reflect about the year that has just passed. Many like to just focus on the good in hopes that the positivity will somehow carry over into the new year. Unfortunately, my brain doesn’t allow me to do that. 2017 was such a garbage inferno of a year that there is no amount of positive thinking that will magically make 2018 great. While a lot of things are out of control, we still (at least as of this writing) are free to laugh at the bad things. That is why I present to you some of the worst metal album art of 2017. Though art may be subjective and I expect there will be some complaints in the comments, I think we can all generally agree that everything here is doodoo.

 

It’s hard to keep your crotch dry when you’re stepping into the Earth’s anus.

Taken from the Russian dating simulator “Your Face Is Toilet”.

Nice to see Randy Quaid is still getting work.

You IRL.

Soon to be available on Steam Early Access.

Our versions of this album are way better.

U wot m8?

Good album. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad art.

This looks like a late 90s FMV video game where you travel through time meeting historical figures to help you write a book report.

Quick! Everyone use your cellphones to take pictures of Danzig’s bad album art!

I remember 1997 too.

Scared And Horny: The Life And Times Of Bearwolf.

Lacertilian picked this one (he’s right. It’s garbo.) so be mad at him if you want.

Drawn exactly to scale and with accurate depth perception.

When Whataburger is out of their Honey BBQ Chicken Strip sandwiches and you have to settle for a Chicken Fajita taco.

Balls Ballsley feat. Dollar-Store Knockoff Spawn

What’s with metal bands and fetuses?

Rover needs some Fixodent.

There is absolutely nothing I can add to this.

This is after they told the artist to make them look cool.

I think that’s supposed to be a heart, but it could easily be Grandma’s meatloaf with extra ketchup.

Eyes Wide Lolbuttz.

No Anime.

Someone worked long and hard on this. Think about this the next time your boss yells at you at work.

Everything about this is bad. Literally everything.

I genuinely don’t know which is worse: The disproportionate evil clown holding what looks like a flaming drumstick or that this album is called “Metalcok”.

As bad as this is, we should be happy that they had the sense not to include a Confederate flag.

Murder In The House Of Kool-Aid

I can’t tell if this is NSFW or not.

Again with the fetuses. It’s like a freakin’ Fetuspalooza around here.

 

It’s not often an album art can make me say “holy shit” out loud, but here we are and I have definitely said it. Exarsis are a Greek thrash band that released their fourth album New War Order this past year. The artwork was done by Andrei Bouzikov who has also done artwork for bands like Municipal Waste, Toxic Holocaust,  Skeletonwitch, and Vektor. I wonder how those bands feel after seeing something so blatantly anti-Semitic. Oddly enough, it seems that this artwork does not appear on Bouzikov’s Facebook page. I wonder why.

Make no mistake about it, this is extremely anti-Semitic. Showing an Orthodox Jewish man with pointed ears, an exaggerated nose, and rat-like teeth while holding a blood-soaked bible is anti-Jewish propaganda 101. Showing this in front of the UN makes the “Jewish conspiracy” message abundantly clear. Oh, I should probably mention that the first song on this album is called “Zionism (The Reaping)”. Subtle. Real subtle.

Unsurprisingly, people noticed this little bit of hate-art and the band responded on Facebook with the biggest load of deflecting this side of the White House press room.

What a load of bullshit. Caught with their asses hanging out and scrambled to think of something, anything to cover themselves. They claim against all religion, but only show one in the most vile way possible. The art is still prominently and proudly used on their Facebook page, so they don’t really care. Neither does Napalm Records, who are currently selling the album on their website.

Let’s not end on an angry note, though. Let’s end with true beauty.

Post some ridiculous 2017 album art in the comments and let’s all revel in this torturous Möbius strip known as reality.