Which Member Of Cattle Decapitation Are You?
Everyone’s favorite death grinders are back with a new album this year! We all love their music, but do you ever wonder which member of Cattle Decapitation represents you the most? Find out below!
Note: Most online quizzes involve multiple pages and a complex web design. To best fit the blog format, I created a quiz to be taken on a pencil and paper. Simply grab some stationary, choose your answer to each question, and keep your score as instructed. At the end, my extensive calculations will provide a number range, telling you which member of Cattle Decapitation you are! Will you be vocalist Travis Ryan, guitarist Josh Elmore, bassist Derek Engemann, or drummer David McGraw? Let’s get started!
1. What’s your ideal date? Seriously, get some paper and a pencil. The process gets fairly complicated and you can’t do it in your head.
A. Going to an uncomfortable amount of antique stores (13 points)
B. Replaying the scene in 1991’s Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves where the arrow gets shot into the ground and the guy yells “TO THE TREEEEES!” over and over again (50 points)
C. Feasting upon the flesh of all mankind (27 points)
D. Assorted cutlery (1 point)
2. What instrument do you play? Listen buddy, I worked hard on this. If you don’t get a pencil and paper, you’re basically just reading through a fun little quiz and playing it safe. You don’t want to put it all on the line and see which member you are? Don’t be a wimp, wimp.
A. Which one has more strings? That one. I play that one (Draw a circle, subtract 3)
B. The flesh of all mankind, feasted upon (666 points)
C. DOODOODOODOODIGGADIGGADIGGADIGGAPSSHHH (subtract 10)
D. Literally every instrument (divide total by 2, add half of original total)
3. You find a lost wallet. What do you do? It could be a marker and the back of your hand. A crayon and a nearby wall. Again, a pencil and paper is ideal, but since you’re being a dick, I’ll take anything at this point. Everyone else has a way to keep track of their score, and you have to be Mr. Cool Guy not playing by the rules. Gah, you suck.
A. Immediately return it to the owner with a note that says, “Pretty cool of me to do that. Here’s my address, cash preferred” (2.3x/π)
B. If the owner’s name is Ryan and it’s a girl, burn her house down (follow your heart on number of points here)
C. Spend every cent on comic books and bubblegum (weather permitting, add 16)
D. Find owner, consume flesh (underline current total 3 times)
4. How do you spend your free time? It cannot possibly be that hard to get a pencil and paper. It’s all within 10, 15 feet tops of your stupid, selfish existence. People around the world are denied basic freedoms and you refuse to keep track of your score on an internet quiz, you smug douche bag. You think it’s as easy as reading the questions and then picking your favorite member? You think David McGraw would just pick himself at the end? No, because he’s a team player. I would love to see him play hours of blast beats on your cold, dead flesh, you lawless swine.
A. Finding flesh of all mankind, consuming it. (Doesn’t even matter any more)
B. Constructing scale replicas of peacetime villages throughout history of Eastern Europe (add some numbers, take away some numbers, I really don’t care. You’re not keeping track)
C. Writing speeches for Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi (your score is now a dillion. Congrats, idiot)
D. Trying to figure out what each string does (uh oh, this knocked your score down to purple! What does that mean? Who knows! You don’t! You don’t know a thing, you selfish troglodyte)
What’s your favorite movie? I am about a second away from coming to your house and cramming reams of paper and boxes of pencils down your ugly, villainous throat. You still have time to get a pencil and paper, jot down your scores for your selected answers, and get an accurate answer for which member of Cattle Decapitation you are. If not, I will personally pay Travis Ryan to tattoo “The Best Film In The Star Wars Saga Is Defanitly Attack Of The Clones” on your lower back. That’s right, he’ll even misspell “definitely.”
A. The Mummy starring Brendan Fraser, a coming-of-age tale that depicts the protagonist sorting through his metaphorical demons (check the orbit of Uranus, and shove your score up your butt)
B. Ravenous, the 1999 horror film about consuming the flesh of mankind (imagine the first two numbers that pop in your head fighting to the death, and whatever’s left is your final score, you heinous charlatan)
C. Steel Magnolias starring Shirley MacLaine, a harrowing psychological thriller that depicts the terror of post-war psychosis in members of Attila the Hun’s army (your final score is a billionty four, you licentious plebeian)
D. Saving Private Ryan, the 1998 comedy about a platoon of bumbling soldiers who manage to topple the Third Reich through a serious of hilarious mishaps (I hate you so much)
Double check your answers, finalize your calculations, eat bleach and die, then scroll down to see which member of Cattle Decapitation you are!
You are this guy. You’ve never even heard of Cattle Decapitation, but you once beat up a kid wearing one of their shirts. You wear knockoff headdresses to Coachella. You practice different ways of saying “Hey ladies.” You own a selfie stick. Find a pencil and paper next time, sub-human pig person.
Cattle Decapitation’s The Anthropocene Extinction will be released August 7th, 2015. Preorder the new album here, and like the band on Facebook.
