Whiff o’ the Week (11/23/14)
Persius once wisely claimed, “Oh, what a void there is in things.” Today we celebrate that void and the siren songs that draw us ever closer to it. This is Whiff o’ the Week.
Last week we fought in bloody combat to determine the most offensive song on an otherwise great album. 4 out of 5 dentists agree that Michael Keene should keep his philosophical meanderings to himself in order to avoid future embarrassment. Let us crown MoshOff as the hero this Toilet deserves.
I’m going to be doing lifeloving things this week, so let’s all take a break from the crappiness next Sunday. No Whiff next week. Let your hatred fester inside to be unleashed the following weekend when we’ll just be back to a regular ol’ Whiff.
With that, let’s get to it. What’s the worst scream ever unleashed upon human ears?
W.
I was originally going to pick Periphery, but I couldn’t narrow down to just one awful scream. So I just flushed their whole discography again and moved on. Instead, I’ve selected “Virga” by After the Burial. I hate djent as much as the rest of you, but I give AtB a pass for 2 decent albums and a fun live show. That said, their current vocalist is significantly better than the previous one, so I have no idea why they signed off on this cringe-worthy guest appearance at 1:33 into this song. I guess this guy isn’t in the band anymore for a reason.
Utmo
I like this song. I like falsetto vocals. I do not like Proscriptor’s falsetto notes here. It really puts a bad taste in my mouth, and whenever I want to listen to this song, I have to sit through the falsetto note at 0:11 to get to the meat of it (you know, unless I skip ahead like eleven seconds on my phone, but who does that?).
Howard Dean
To be fair and upfront: I actually love this scream. This is what embracing the void is all about. The man behind these vocals, Alexander Nordgaren, permanently destroyed his voice recording this EP. Yeah, that’s right. Void. The first time I heard them, I didn’t think they were real. Approximated by some as “the squeaking sound of a car slamming on its brakes in a parking garage,” and described by others as “the voice of a pissed off eagle,” these are bar none the most extreme vocals in heavy metal history. But they are also kind of ridiculous and grating. That’s why a lot of people don’t care for them. But it’s also why I love them. 0.30.
Christian Mahna Mahna
Metallica get a lot of crap from people, some deserved, some not. St. Anger in particular is an almost universally reviled album. For all the faults one could pick from this performance – Lars’s ever-sloppy drumming, the weak guitar tones, Hetfield’s shimmering, sweaty body – one stands out above all others: Kirk’s background vocals. The song is progressing as it always does, and James even sounds pretty good, when all of a sudden Kermit the Frog hops onstage fresh off a crack binge to gargle out some unintelligible drivel. *flush*
Cybernetic Organism
Go to the 11 second mark. Listen. Facepalm. Do not repeat.
Guacamole Jim
Worst scream in metal? So like any Cradle of Filth song ever?? 0:24.
James Jimbo McNasty
Disclaimer: Nobody in his or her right mind would ever accuse Devin Townsend of having a bad scream… until you’re trying to fall asleep listening to one of the most gorgeous metal albums ever created. Right at the end of “Things Beyond Things”, you start to drift into deep sleep and KAPOW! Thanks Devy. You’re nothing if not a prankster. I’m not giving you a timestamp on this one, listen to the entire masterpiece and hear for yourself…
Ghostflusher
Alex Koehler has to be one of the worst fucking vocalists in existence. His technique is a pastiche of cupping the mic, studio fuckery, and gurgling horse scrotum. Plus this nitwit thinks he can sing now, and if there is a God, I hope he has the strength to make me go deaf for the duration of time in which I have accidentally stumbled upon a Chelsea Grin song.
Spear
This fucking guy.
Jack Archbauer
The intro scream sounds like shes trying to painfully force a turd out of her rectum.
Leif Bearikson
As someone who hates Avenged Sevenfold (and is an adult that doesn’t use that A7X shit), this is my favorite cover of any of their songs, and I think it is all perfectly encapsulated in that opening “scream.” Be sure to check out the comparison between it and the original at the end.
Rho Stone
I nominate myself. Listen at your own risk.
https://soundcloud.com/rhostone/man-in-the-trashcan
JöhnnyTheMotherFuckinCrünch
Say what you will about Kiss but Paul Stanley once upon a time had a voice that could go where few vocalists could go. However, what Paul Stanley delivers at the 2:06 and 2:52 marks are a sad indictment of what this man’s voice has become, and no amount of make up and flammable explosions can make up (pun not intended) for that.
Cocke of Steele
Scream is at 0:12, Not actually bad seeing as how this is Bad News, a band so legendary that even Lemmy once said they had “Hit a new high in altruistic, self-indulgent. bullshit. mollycoddled mother my dog instinct rock and roll. I thought it was the worst kind of pimply shit of the worst kind of city ghetto probably populated by winos, junkies and general all round fuck-ups.” There ya have it, this whiff is dedicated to the legends that are Bad News. RIP Rik.
Coolstorybro
If you’ve seen Clerks 2 or weren’t born under a rock, you know King Diamond. Specifically, you know the infamous scream from the beginning of “Welcome Home.” Daring listeners can find the lulz-worthy ode to elderly relatives right after the opening drum salvo. The King’s vocals always sound like a demented muppet doing helium whippets, but this just takes it too far.
Satan ov Hell
“Angel of Death” is a terrible song, starting on this awful scream, that Araya obviously cannot hold for long enough to bring it down properly without a rasp, only going into a boring “0-0 POWER CHORD” pattern that only relents midway into this song into an equally gag inducing segment. This song is awful, and a representation of the worst that metal could possibly be. Skill-less drivel, with offensive lyrics, that just makes you want to scream “FUCK KERRY BURGER KING”. I do hope you have enjoyed this thrashing of your behinds, this befuddling of your Benjamins, but deep down, you know it is true.
Squibble Skwonk
I’m not going to even tear into the terrible music video, or the awful guitar tone, or the obnoxious electronic vibe that doesn’t even really suit the song. The opening scream is one of, if not the worst, screams I’ve ever heard. It sounds awkward as hell and processed to shit.
Now it’s your turn. Which of these screams made your ears bleed in all the wrong ways?
Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.
(Photo VIA)
