Adventures in Crowdfunding
Crowdfunding has opened up a brave new world of possibilities for bringing ideas to fruition. Everyone from inventors and entrepreneurs to bands and hungry guys alike now have the opportunity to solicit the public for funding, allowing them to take an active role in the development of projects that otherwise may not receive public attention. However, it can be difficult to predict which projects will succeed and which will fail. Protest The Hero received a huge amount of money to record a new album. Orgy and Motograter did not. While it seems there are no surefire ways of reaching your goal, there are surefire ways to get them noticed. Here are a few of those.
The Good: Escondido, CA resident wants to create a metal album for his two grandsons. Okay… not your typical ‘grandpa-wanted-you-to-have-this’ gift a kid would get on his 12th birthday, but it seems like his heart is in the right place somewhere underneath that Quiksilver shirt. A more traditional man might want to give his grandkids a precious watch, an old dirtbike or maybe even that guitar in the background, but perhaps this guy has the fiery soul of a classic 80s shredder, and can belt out a litany of killer old-school metal songs entirely on his own in a mere few weeks and create something awesome his grandchildren can boast about to other kids.
The Bad: Probably not, since it took this guy 29 (!) takes to create the rambling, 14-minute video you see on his kickstarter page. Also, nobody gave him any money. Maybe he should have filmed it in the kitchen?
The Lolbuttz: The $2,000 “reward of a lifetime” pledge: “You get to name the album, yes, that’s right, you get to name the album and put your mark on Rock!” While you will not, in fact, put your mark on Rock, you will be two thousand dollars poorer. But hey, you’d finally be able to name an album like that one you thought up in middle school: “Lord Cock Monster and the Fucking Fucker Saga of Assboob Mountain: Chapter One: Bob Sucks: Fuck Off Poopy Shit Balls Taint Face.” Leave THAT to your grandsons, dude.
The Good: The music in the video sounds a lot like Dethklok. Also, looks like the guy knows his way around customizing & refinishing guitars, which seems like a pretty cool hobby. If the album thing doesn’t pan out he can always kickstart a luthier business next time. Except the guitars should be crazier, like one can be painted to look, feel, smell and act just like a liver as a tribute to all the livers metal has claimed, and one can be coated in healthy, healthy mercury. And then one can be hollowed out inside with a hole for your schlong that you can pee into during those long jam sessions where you JUST CAN’T STOP ROCKING THE FUCK OUT. Just don’t swing it around your shoulder while you’re going in there, cuz ouch and cuz pee on the floor.
The Bad: The music in the video sounds a lot like Dethklok. Ever been futzing around trying to come up with a songs that sounds like your favorite band, but you basically end up with a carbon-copy of the real thing? Then you try and pass it off to other people as your own stuff until someone notices the similarities and you have to cover and say “huh, oh wow I never noticed that, guess me and that brilliant super-famous musician must think a lot alike.” Sounds like that’s what’s happening here… oh wait yep he’s got a signature Brendon Small Epiphone model. That’s dildos. Plus, $300 for your album? That’s it? Aim higher, man. NOOO not while you’re… here, aim into this guitar if you need to, you’ll feel better.
The Lolbuttz: Manowar cosplay @ 1:12 in the video.
The Good: For a guy who gained a following posting ‘let’s play’ videos to youtube, his music is pretty damn good for (what I assume is) a home studio production: good guitar tone, decent vocals, a straightforward hardcore/thrash aesthetic and a refreshing absence of djent/scene/nü/dub/10-string/vegantumblrcore or got-into-a-fight-with-my-pregnant-girlfriend lyric video awfulness. Throw him a few bucks if you’re so inclined. Here’s to you, Mr. Sinvicta.
The Bad: Holy fuck $9,000 for five songs? Are you Lucas Mann? Also the album title “Fracture the Faultline” is a Verb the Noun. Dude, it’s a fault line, it’s already fractured. That’s why it’s there. You know, with the earthquakes & shit? You should call it “Subduction” which is way fucking cooler. One tectonic plate being forced under another = so heavy. So literally heavy. Do you know how much a tectonic plate weighs? A moon. It weighs a whole fucking moon. Can you lift a moon? No you can’t so shut up.
The Lolbuttz: “At $11,000 raised, we will add a SIXTH TRACK to the album which will feature BJÖRN ‘SPEED’ STRID OF SOILWORK as guest vocals!!!” Can Björn lift a moon? No he can’t, although he could reach it way up there in Sweden but he still can’t be on the fucking album so shut up.
The Good: Kids seek to improve their music skills by practicing at their local rec center. Good for them, nothing wrong with that, right? They also appear to have access to functional time travel technology and have recruited a young Ozzy Osbourne into their ranks. They can look forward to being Ozzy’s high-voiced cocaine elves that he dispatches to fog-shrouded street corners of Northumberland to purchase his magic fairy nose dust, corners which are also probably crawling with Jack The Rippers and Voldemorts and Big Bens and whatnot (I’ve never been to the UK). Don’t forget, he can play the harmonica, too! Now Steel Guardian can get that funky fresh harmonica sound all the kids crave!
The Bad: Unfortunately for us, there’s no video. Also, the name “Steel Guardian” places them firmly in dragon-fucker territory. If they change it they may mercifully fade into obscurity as high school and college loom in the years ahead with their temptations of beer and teh boobies. If they stick with it, they risk living a life of disappointing under-21 gigs at local gaming shops holding Magic: The Gathering tournaments in the basement while the feedback of their starter amps squeal overhead, the omnipresent scent of body odor, feet and Doritos never quite fully airing out of the building, embedded between row upon row of Star Wars novels and limited edition Warhammer manga and whatnot (I’ve never been in a gaming shop).
The Lolbuttz: “Your pledges will allow us to purchase our own equipment and allow us to continue rehearsing.” ASK YOUR GODDAMNED PARENTS FOR THAT SHIT WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK I HAVE A KIA SORENTO TO PAY OFF