Shameful Self-(non)-Promotion


Greetings from the shiny porcelain halls of the overworld, Toileteers! Today I have quick reviews for three heavy bands that deserve your attention. Introductory paragraphs are stupid, let’s get started.


I know we posted about Torrential Downpour just a couple weeks ago, but THIS SHIT IS IMPORTANT. Not since Voivod has a metal band sounded more like an intercepted alien transmission. Listening to this unfamiliar soundscape, one is forced to ponder; is this a declaration of war? A political manifesto? A jingle advertising Neptunian breakfast cereal? I have no fucking idea, but it sounds cool as shit so I’m going to jam this until my ears bleed and I drown in a pool of my own body fluids.


Watchu kno ‘bout screamo? Hopefully you know that that term was invented to describe dissonant, frenetic hardcore bands that made every second of music they wrote challenge the listener emotionally and sonically. Jazz Lingo, the brand new release from New Jersey’s Polyphony, is 13 minutes long and every moment of it demands your attention. This shit right here, this is the reason you bother with bizarre time signatures and abstract composition. This is why you scream your words instead of speaking them. This is what intangible frenzy hammered into a shape discernable to human senses is like. Orchid and Circle Takes The Square would be proud.


The Champaign, IL metro area is home to over 230,000 people but right now the only 4 of them that matter to me are the members of Airacobra, because as far as I am aware, they are the world’s first blackened nu-metal band. Bear with me here: I am NOT making fun of Airacobra when I point out their 90’s alt-metal influence. I. LOVE. THIS. Nu-metal is a dirty word and pretty well deserves to be one for its crimes against baseball caps in the late 90’s, but Airacobra combine symphonic keyboards and blackened vocal tendencies with bouncy riffs and satisfyingly sloppy bass tone in a way that makes me inexplicably nostalgic for the days of chain wallets and portable CD players. Jam the 2nd track on this demo (The Serpent  Delivers.) and tell me you don’t feel the same. Airacobra has found the jewels in the rough and knows how to party hard, and I’m 100% on board.


“Hey, HessianHunter…” I hear you stutter from behind your keyboards and phones, “These bands are totally dope and phat and tight and all, but why did you feature these completely disparate artists in the same post? Makes no sense. You take some crazy pills this morning or sumfin’?”

“Calm thyself, dear reader,” I croon soothingly from my chair, petting your furrowed brow as you curl up into my lap like a long-haired housecat, “I just want you to know why I’m leaving you for a while. You see, I’m going on an East Coast tour with my hella sick-rad prog/sludge band Maeth, and we’re playing shows with these bands and many others along the way. I won’t be able to write articles from the road, so you’ll have to get along without me for a little while.”

“But… but… you’ll come back, right?”

*Chortles gently* “Of course I’ll be back, Snookums. I just need to spend my mid-twenties being economically irresponsible and playing 11-minute songs about dead elephants to confused strangers in order to feel artistically validated. Someday you’ll understand. For now, sleep my pet… sshhhhhh…” *petting intensifies* “Sleeeeeeeeeeppppp…”

If you’re lucky enough to live in any of the below cities, you can see me before our sleepy little friend Snookums does. You just also have to tolerate drinking beer and listening to flute-laden doom metal as well. Your call, Sparky.


8/15 Minneapolis, MN @ The Riverboat
8/16 Chicago, IL @ Quencher’s Saloon
8/17 Toledo, OH @ Frankie’s
8/18 Philadelphia, PA @ Millcreek Tavern
8/19 Montclair, NJ @ The Batcave
8/20 Brooklyn, NY @ St. Vitus
8/21 Worcester, MA @ Ralph’s
8/22 Lindenhurst, NY @ Brew Haus
8/23 Canton, OH @ The Buzzbin
8/24 Champaign, IL @ Thee Deathtower
8/25 ??????? (It’s a long drive home, anyone in Iowa or Wisconsin want to give us one last show?)

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