Shirt Stains: DJ Ashba Piss-Water
Chinese Democracy meets American Capitalism.
If a band or musician can slap their name on a product to make a quick buck, they’re going to do it. Beer, coffee, hot sauce, vodka, etc. I can understand wanting to make some money so you don’t have to constantly be on tour. I can understand putting out a product that you either really enjoy or have some sort of connection. You’re a worldwide star that wrote a song about tequila and then put out your own tequila? Makes sense. I get that. I don’t get being an also-ran musician putting out your own water because a few people asked if you sold water in your store.
You may remember DJ Ashba for being not-Slash (despite his stupid hat) in the new version of Guns N’ Roses. You may also know him from Sixx:AM. If you remember him from BulletBoys and Beautiful Creatures, you’re full of shit because no one remembers him being in those bands.
Here’s what Ashba had to say about his scam new business venture:
“Everybody keeps asking me, ‘Why water?’ For many, many years, I’ve been wanting to do an alcohol or… like a vodka or a tequila… And I was actually in my clothing store at the Stratosphere [in Las Vegas] designing a vodka bottle, and a kid came in and asked if we had some water. And he left. Probably thirty minutes later, somebody else came in asking if we carried water. And a third person walked in [asking for water]. And I just sat there and I go, ‘You know what? Why am I not doing water?’ Because everybody can buy water. And, to be honest, there’s very few really good good-tasting waters out there. So we did an extensive amount of research, found the best bottling company we could possibly find, and that was it. And we went to work. So it is awesome. And it’s really fucking killer quality — 21-gram plastic bottles, so it’s not the kind where you open it up and shit goes all over the place.”
Here’s an artist’s rendering of what happens when “shit goes all over the place”:
I don’t know what’s more shocking: that DJ Ashba is so easily swayed to start businesses or that he has a clothing store. His clothing line alone could keep Shirt Stains going for years. I love the idea that he’s just sitting around his store all day and strangers are asking for water. The next time any of you are in Las Vegas, can you please go to DJ Ashba’s store and ask if he has any pig shit in a can? Go with a group of friends and he’ll be selling pig shit in a can by the end of the week. Fuck, you might as well ask if he wants a “hurts don’t it” while you’re at it.
Would you buy water if your favorite musician or band slapped their name on it? Probably not. Would you buy water from some guy who happened to be in some bands you may have liked at one point or never even heard of? Not bloody likely and yet here we are.
Ashba says that the water is, “Really fucking killer quality.” If we’re being literal, I really the quality of your water doesn’t kill people. I assume that Ashba Water comes from only the finest bath tubs and urinals that Las Vegas has to offer. Is her personally testing each batch for freshness and “killerness” levels? Why pay $2.00 for, say, a bottle of Poland Spring or heaven-forbid drinking from a tap when you can buy boutique water from a guy that looks like he’s cosplaying as an Avenged Sevenfold fan that fell into a display case at Sephora?
Currently, there is a Facebook page for ASHBA Water and a website that currently doesn’t work. Make of that what you will.
