Shirt Stains: How-To Edition


So you bought an ugly shirt. It’s ok! We’ve all been there. Something about the lack of light, flirtatious merch-person, and the totally slimming fit the XXXL shirt seemed to have on the wire hanger made you think it wasn’t so bad. Or maybe you just wanted to pitch a few bucks to a touring band and ALL of their shirts were horrific. For years that shirt has taunted you from the back of the dresser, laundry day always forced upon you before its turn in the rotation. Using a few choice examples, I am going to show you how you can get those eyesores back out in the world in an appropriate way. Every ugly duckling has its purpose.

So you went to a Pantera concert in the 90’s. I’m sorry you had to go through that. But after you got your third forced buttchugg, you were just raging with good vibes. You ran to the merch stand and bought this sucker:

After 96 hours of delirium tremens, you awoke in this shirt that somehow remained unstained, so you kept it. If you have kept it this long, you might as well use it. Good news! It’s your last day of court-mandated anger therapy and you CRUSHED IT. You got your outbursts down to one per-session and you even finally finished paying off the dent in your therapist’s car hood. Your skull, which caused the dent, resembles the guys on the front and everything! It’s a perfect match. Everything is looking good in your world. Hell, you might even start dating again. But maybe wait until you change out of that shirt.

So you met a cool girl at the last concert and she said she had an extra ticket for next week’s show featuring *amp feedback and mic check*. MY FAVORITE! You shouted even though you had no idea what the fuck she said. You show up and your heart sinks when you see the marquee. Asking Alexandria. Fuck. You turn to run but she’s standing outside waiting for you. You suck it up and even buy her a shirt for supplying the ticket. As she’s getting in the Uber, she says it’s the wrong size and insists you keep it. Sorry, bro.

Good news! Your brother is finally making you return that huge favor you asked of him by forcing you to take your niece to go see Santa and you’re missing your third date with that girl at the *terrible metalcore shrieks* opening for *chug chug chug* show. You’re pissed. You’re going to show off your superior intellect by proving to everyone at the mall that this isn’t your scene, and never was. Even as a kid this wasn’t cool to you. No one will know what the band and album names mean anyway, so it’s just a weird statement to make to no one in particular. But now you have someone not to believe in, and in context, one person might make the connection! Good job.

Woh! This shirt has literally every band I listen to all in the same place, and they are breaking out of a mental institution! That’s totally rad! I can totally see why you bought this.

Good news! I’m kidding, you have terrible taste and this shirt should never be worn for any reason unless you can time travel to the early/mid 2000’s.

Image Via (I’m not kidding, there’s a wiki how on how to take off a shirt)

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