Shirt Stains: I Did Nazi This Coming


Nazibuttz fuck off.

National Socialist Black Metal, better known as NSBM, is a subgenre of black metal focused on the themes, beliefs, and tenets of National Socialism. Despite what some commenters on political websites may think, National Socialism is not Socialism. It’s a close cousin to fascism. Even searching for national socialism in wikipedia redirects straight to the entry on Nazism. Or to put it in clearer terms, NSBM is just a bunch of Nazis playing black metal.

Other genres certainly have their subgenres of hate music. Hardcore and punk are no strangers to the red suspender crowd. Rockabilly and Psychobilly get their far share as well. Hell, there’s probably even a ska band out there that wants you to “pick it up” for the master race. For whatever reason, though, those types of bands stay regulated to their own circles. NSBM bands, on the other hand, have managed to creep into a wider audience and gain the attention and fandom of people who would not normally associate with people sharing their views. It’s one of the reasons I tend to be very wary of black metal in general. A quick Google search of black metal bands and ‘NSBM’ bring up a lot of mentions, whether they’re speculative or definitive proof of a band’s views. It’s enough for some to just avoid the entire genre just to be on the safe side.

I have a slight touch of respect for people who are able to completely separate the art from the artist. There are those people who can go “I don’t agree with them, but this song is awesome!” I can’t do that. I can’t in good conscience listen to something created by a person who hates me despite never meeting me. I certainly wouldn’t give them money for anything they created. Despite separating the art from the artist, paying for their music, merchandise, or even seeing them live, is akin to supporting their message. That $10 you spent allows them to spread their message to the next city, to the next listener, to the next impressionable young metal head who is still coming to understand this world.

I tried to put myself in the shoes of someone who likes NSBM bands but doesn’t like their message. As an example, I thought of famed horror writer H.P. Lovecraft. His stories are highly inspirational and loved by a good portion of the metal community. It’s also no secret that Lovecraft was pretty damn racist. So what separates the work of Lovecraft and, say, Grand Belial’s Key. For one, Lovecraft was from a different time and was a wealthy shut-in. It doesn’t make the things he said any more acceptable, but it does provide some sort of context. Second, Lovecraft has been dead for quite some time. He is not directly benefiting from the purchase of his books. Third, the racist references were not the focus of his work as compared to NSBM bands. Of course, arguments could be made against all of these and they would certainly be valid.

There are still plenty of gray areas, and ultimately it’s up to you to decide if this is something you want to support. It’s also up to you if you want to wear these terrible NSBM shirts. In Germany, it is illegal to use and display Nazi symbols. In the United States, these shirts are protected under free speech. Of course, they’re not protected from us pointing and laughing at a bunch of hateclowns.

Via Dolorosa – Andate vaffanculo madre

The Via Dolorosa is a street in Jerusalem that is believed to be the path the Jesus walked on the way to his crucifixtion. The more you know (insert rainbow graphic here). The band Via Dolorosa are Italian Nazi shitheads who frequently use the swastika in their promotion photos. I guess when you have albums called Total N.S.B.M. and Aryan Terrorists, you’re not looking for cross-over appeal. According to metal-achives, their themes include hatred, national socialism, Indian Philosophy, and Hinduism. Kind of strange considering Nazism’s hatred for all things with a skin pigment darker than toothpaste. Yes, I know about the whole idea that Nazis are “Aryan descendants”. That certainly explains why they have Sheeva the Destroyer (I think) on their shirt. Of course, it doesn’t explain why a bunch of non-blue-eyed and blonde Italians would have it on their shirt. To make matters worse, the design doesn’t even look finished. It’s like whoever was drawing it got distracted because he saw two guys holding hands and was too distraught to continue.

Then we have the back of this walking doucheboard. “Italian Ancestral NSBM Legend”. Maybe we can blame the poor grammar on English not being their first language. Maybe we can blame it on the band spanking each other with copies of Mein Kampf. Either explanation works for me. Someone probably should have clued in Via Dolorosa that Mussolini and Hitler weren’t exactly bffs. I guess being shitheads is a strong bond, but I don’t think ancestral Italians would fit into Shitler’s master plans.

Legion of Doom – No Hawk, No Animal, Just Assholes


For those of you that don’t know, Legion of Doom was the alternative name of the wrestling tag-team The Road Warriors. Even if you’ve never heard of them, you may recognize the team of Hawk and Animal, with their massive physiques, painted faces, and spiked shoulder pads. I bring them up just so we have another reason to laugh at the Greek NSBM band of the same name. What, you didn’t want to call your offensive band “The Fabulous Freebirds”? How about “The Rockers”?

There’s no subtlety about this shirt. It’s a giant swastika with a baphomet in the middle of it. Pretty cut and dry. Nothing confusing about this sh…wait, what does that quote say? “…Whoever so-called Christian is a fucking Jew…”. That…that doesn’t make sense. That’s not a real sentence. It still manges to be bizarrely offensive, so…mission accomplished? Legion of Doom probably wouldn’t have had this problem if they paid more attention in school and less on how Hitler’s mustache would probably tickle them slightly if he gave them a kiss.

Maybe I’m being unfair since this is the back of the shirt. Like Via Dolorosa, English probably isn’t their first language. Maybe there’s some sort of really clever set-up on the front. Y’know, something that would really make you think. After all, they love the quote so much they’ve used it in the liner notes of their cd. It’s probably just a big misunderstanding. I guess we should probably take a look at the front of the shirt just to confirm.

(image VIA)

Nope. They’re just idiots.

Seges Findere – From Brazil With Nazibutts

A Brazilian one-man band with lyrical themes focusing on white supremacy. Let that sink in for a while. That sounds like the setup for a joke. You must have really, really strong feelings about race to be in a band by yourself for 15 years. It’s no surprise that this guy couldn’t keep members for long, what with album titles such as Machine ov Jewicide, United By White Terror Propaganda, and Totalitaryan Wolflust. Try to explain to your parents that you’re listening to that one. “Gawd, Mom. You don’t understand me and my Totalitaryan Wolflust!” It might be easier to explain than a Brazilian writing white supremacy songs.

This isn’t just some bedroom band because the guy is on a record label and actually made t-shirts. Awful t-shirts. While it’s not the bluntness of a giant swastika, the message is just as clear. Nazis, portrayed as powerful monsters, about to shoot a terrified man on his knees. Seges Findere leaves nothing to interpretation as “DeSSemitize” appears underneath the picture. Cute usage of the Waffen SS symbol. If it’s one thing that Nazis love, it’s clever usage of hate symbols. Well, hating people of the Jewish faith. Out of curiosity, I checked the Jewish population of Brazil. As of 2010, the Jewish population of Brazil is a little over 107,000. That’s less than 0.050% of the entire population in the country. Seems like Seges Findere has a lot of misplaced rage. He should probably get off Stormfront and certain metal forums. It would do him some good. Fucking asshole.

Grand Belial’s Key – Shabbat Shalom, Mr. Hitler

Like Snoop Dog’s character in the movie Half Baked, Grand Belial’s Key pops up out of nowhere whenever anti-semitism is involved. It’s like they hide in the bushes just waiting to tell you all about the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and how no Jews were killed during 9/11. Grand Belial’s Key’s favorite movie is the first half of American History X. Grand Belial’s Key’s favorite meal is mayonnaise on white bread with a cup of white rice and a glass of milk on the side for dipping. Grand Belial’s Key’s favorite politician is Mitt Romney’s teeth.

This shirt cranks up the anti-semitism with a Jewish caricature that would make Goebbels giggle. Apparently, Grand Belial’s Key thinks King Diamond is a member of the tribe, judging by this shirt. Remind me to invite him over for Passover seder next year. The phrase “The Bearded Hustlers” does make me laugh, though, due to it’s utter ridiculousness. If its goal was to make me join the band’s views, it failed. It just makes me think of ICP’s movie “Big Money Hustlas”. It just makes the caricatures seem fun and have manly beards.

The back is just as head-shakingly stupid. “poisoned rituals of the levi tribes.” Really? Chanukah? I mean, I have to assume it’s Chanukah since there’s a menorah on the table, but who knows with these goose-stepping goobers. I’d love to know the band’s rituals that trump this one. I’ll bet it involves drinking shitty beer, listening to shitty bands, and grabbing each other’s asses while yelling “No homo!”.

Taake – Craap

So this is an interesting one. Taake don’t identify as an NSBM band. Their songs focus more on the typical black metal themes of death, dying, Satan, and the usual spooky stuff found in black metal. Their name does occasional come up in online discussions of NSBM, though. Maybe it’s because frontman Hoest performed with a Swastika scrawled across his chest (not to be confused with the time where his wee-wee was sticking out of a hole in his pants). Pretty screwed-up right? Outrage ensued, forcing Hoest to issue a statement:

“TAAKE is not a political Nazi band, etc. We certainly didn’t expect the current threat reactions, as everyone should know by now that our whole concept is built upon provocation and anything evil- and death-related. We will now censor certain symbols for the rest of the [European] tour [with URGEHAL and KOLDBRANN], and we truly apologize to all of our collaborators who might get problems because of the Essen swastika scandal…”

Okay, fine. They were just trying to be controversial to get attention and it backfired spectacularly. Fine. I don’t like it one bit, but fine. Oh, wait, that wasn’t the end of the statement.

“…(except for the Untermensch owner of that club; you can go suck a Muslim)!”

Oy. Kind of undermining your whole “we’re not a Nazi band” thing with a statement like that. It certainly explains their “Anti-Islam” shirt. So they’re not a Nazi band, they just hate Muslims enough to tell people to “go suck a Muslim” and sell a shirt stating hatred of Islam. Oh, and draw swastikas on themselves. And touring with known NSBM bands. And having troublesome lyrics. Hoest has said in interviews that he does not associate with the “Nazi scene”.

I leave it up to you to decide. Either way, this shirt sucks. Just like all the other ones.

I leave you with some Dead Kennedys, Napalm Death, and Mel Brooks doing the Hitler Rap.

(Photo VIA)

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