This Hot Dad Has Sensually Rewritten Your Childhood
This one goes out to everyone who’s ever woken up in the morning after a lonely and restless night, looked in the mirror, hated all of what you saw, and thought, “Fuck dude, I feel like my life might really start to turn around if all of my favorite TV show theme songs – past and present – were re-imagined as 80’s synthpop jams.”
Correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s got to be just about every single one of you. Hot Dad (a.k.a Erik Helwig / dotflist on Youtube where I discovered him at the end of a 7-hour-long marathon of semi-conscious recommended video clicking) is worthy of every Nobel Peace Prize from 2015 until the end of fucking time for what he’s done for the human race during the last year. I’m only exaggerating a little when I say that the fact that most of his masterworks have under 1,000 plays is among the greatest tragedies of our time. If there were even a single fucking crumb of justice to be found in this world, it would resemble my recurring dream of Hot Dad as beloved god king of an empire spanning and uniting the globe. He’ll serenades the masses, who wait in line for their turn to feed him grapes and fan him with palm fronds.
Hot Dad is prolific in his mission to provide the world with better theme songs for television shows. From modern hits to dated classics and everywhere in between, he replaces their intro tunes with magic. Our guy has a soft spot for synthy 80’s anthems à la Bryan Adams, but there’s plenty of variety for everyone in his 94(!) reinterpretations, which I have watched at least 3 times each – something for which I have no intention of apologizing and do not expect to regret, even when 3 has become 300 by the end of the week and my wife moves out.
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Danny Tanner on a real wild ride
Lookin’ for answers, lookin’ for love
Three kids, gotta raise ’em all right
So exhausted by the end of the night
He needs help if he’s gonna survive
Enter Joey and Jesse, two top notch guys
Picking up the slack, best friends for life
I know you’re gonna make it, living together in a
Full House, Full House, Full House
You won’t believe it, it’s a
Full House, Full House, Full House
So many people in this
Full House, Full House, Full House
It ain’t easy in a
Full House, Full House, Full House
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I particularly enjoy his mastery of the 80’s / 90’s movie training montage jam. They’re perfect for ripping off your shirt, re-purposing it as a headband, and running your newly-determined ass up and down the bleachers at an empty stadium in the middle of the night. Then your hero shows up and says something like, “Can’t sleep either, huh?” They rule butts, and are single-handedly responsible for me not killing myself during the past few weeks.
For some reason embedding is disabled on this video, click here for the full experience.
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Gotta make it to the top
Gotta be the best
_________
Pokemon, it’s everything or nothing
Gotta catch ’em all
I hope you’re not afraid
Big pokeballs, fill ’em up with something
Tame a pikachu
Catch your big break
It’s gonna get tough
You just can’t get enough
If you keep on kicking ass
You’ll be a Pokemon Master
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Lyrically, most of it is all about knowing the hamfisted cliches of the TV intro song and then running them into the ground and beating the everliving shit out of them, but it’s equally amusing when shit goes way off the rails. Like with Doug that fucking loser.
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Doug, don’t feed me that bullshit about what you want
Doug, don’t fuck with your family, they’re all you’ve got
Doug, just get the girl, she’ll love you too, you’ll rock her world
Doug, just give it a shot
Ooooh, do-be-do-be doo-wop Doug
_________
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A bunch of twenty somethings, living in New York
They won’t leave for no reason
They work shitty jobs, do cocaine all the time
Mom and Dad would be so mad
They say funny things, fucking funny things
Witty banter is so good
It’s called Girls
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For some reason, Hot Dad is constantly making reference to shows being on HBO that have clearly never been on HBO. I don’t know if it’s a joke that’s going over my head or what, but I can’t figure out why I think it’s so fucking funny. For example:
“G.I. Joe, HBO show, G.I. Joe, HBO show” – from “G.I. Joe – A Real American Hero”
“Star Trek: The Next Generation, got torpedos, and phasers, and HBO, yeah” – from “Star Trek”
“Wacky, Crazy, Zany, on HBO” – from “Animaniacs”
“Go Planet, go, go, go. Earth, fire, wind, water, heart, HBO” – from “Captain Planet”
The best part about this whole thing is probably that these songs are – gimmick aside – actually awesome. If my mom hadn’t stunted my ability to make friends by paying the neighbor kids to hang out with me, I’d put this playlist on repeat at a party. With people. And finger foods. And dip. This is some of the catchiest shit I’ve ever heard, and it’s like he does it without even trying. And I love him.
You can visit his Youtube channel to watch the entire 94-song collection, or throw him your pocket change at Bandcamp. Personally, I withdrew my entire 401(k) and put it in the “Name Your Price” box.
Keep your eyes peeled for the Official Toilet ov Hell Tour ov Hell featuring Hot Dad, My Dick, and Satanic Necroboner.
Joe Notes:
When the Masterlord first sent me a Hot Dad video, I was stupid swamped at work and fighting a deadline with several posts on this site. So I ignored it. For almost 24 hours. That was the dumbest decision of my life.
With a moment of downtime at work, I clicked play and my world changed forever. I made noises. Noises that grown men probably should not make. My coworkers, confused and alarmed by my glee, desperately asked what was wrong with me. I was so utterly mind blown by this 94-track behemoth of an album that I couldn’t communicate without spitting. I played the album over the office speakers and all joined me in exuberant discombobulation.
Hot Dad has serious, legitimate melodic skills in addition to his twisted sense of humor (his tragic take on Home Improvement amazes me every time). I’ve been listening to his music on repeat for a week and I still cannot fathom how one man can make so many damned catchy tunes. I wish Hot Dad was my dad : (
