The Ballad of BDubs Bro: Chapter 3: Ego In Aeternum, Bro
Previously on the Ballad of BDubs Bro…
*bursts out of BDubs*
*runs over to F-150*
*pours & slams a Fireball shot from cargo bed cooler*
*also slams two Keystones and a Miller 64*
*gets in F-150, blasts Godsmack to ease the pain*
*denies to self that he himself is crying like a bitch*
*peels out of parking lot at 60mph*
“FUCK THOSE GUYS, BRO!”
*drives home erratically through quiet neighborhood streets*
*changes music to Three Days Grace*
“YEAH BRO LET’S START A FUCKIN’ RIOT!”
*changes music again to Trapt*
“YEAH BRO I’LL FUCKIN’ TAKE ON ANYONE!”
*changes music yet again to Skillet*
“YEAH BRO I FEEL LIKE A COAL ROLLIN’ MONSTER!”
*rolls billowing stack of coal while thundering past Honda Insight*
*hangs out window, screams “WOOO FUCK YEAH BRO! YOU GOT ROLLED! GET SOME!”*
*regains confidence, high fives self on flabby bitch tit*
*changes music a fourth time to Nickelback*
“YEAH BRO BURN IT TO THE GROUND TONIGHT! BUUUUUURN!!!”
*drops iphone on floor*
*iphone disappears underneath unwashed Affliction hoodie*
*swerves truck trying to find it*
“GODDAMN… AWW SHIT BRO!”
*runs over one of these*
*tries to overcorrect steering*
*cheap, unneccesarily huge off-roading tires spin out*
*F-150 jumps curb, plows through empty field at 80mph*
*slams into only tree within 3 miles*
*engine bursts into flames*
*fire quickly spreads from engine to driver’s seat*
*cheap fabric of basketball shorts immediately ignites*
“BRO OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT AAAAAHH!!!”
*flames spread to Tapout shirt*
*jumps out of F-150 engulfed in flames*
*flails arms in horribly ineffective, karate-like attempt to extinguish fire*
“FUCK OFF BRO, AAAAAHHH!!!”
*runs back to save now entirely aflame truck*
*manages to slam one more Miller 64 from cargo bed cooler*
*burns hand trying to detach & save diamond plate trucknutz*
“GAAAH FUCK IT’S SO HOT BRO…”
*snags halfway-melted basketball shorts on fender*
*basketball shorts immediately ripped clean off*
*body swings around, hits head on wheel well*
*goes unconscious*
*begins to hallucinate*
*drifts off into bro time and bro space*
*goes beyond the bro infinite*
*snaps back to reality for final breath*
“br… bro… woOo0oooOooo…”
*life leaves bro body*
*dies drunk and pantsless*
*evacuates bro bowels*
*bro body consumed by spreading gasoline fire*
*softer metals from the engine compartment melt, leaking onto the grass in long streaks*
*truck fire eventually dies down, metal snapping and crackling as it cools*
*all light fades; a burned out F-150 and partially scorched tree are lit by a pale moonlight*
*charred bro skeleton is urinated upon by a passing coyote, sizzling slightly*
*ashen bro remains float off into night sky, carried by the wind, landing in nearby barley field*
*barley is nourished by nutrient-rich ashes*
*crop is harvested weeks later and purchased by an international beverage conglomerate*
*barley is prepared for brewing process*
*brewed into latest batch of Keystone Light*
*Keystone Light is shipped and sold to businesses across the continent*
*weeks later, a (different) bro pulls up to his local BDubs*
*parks blue Dodge Ram with UFC bumper sticker and American flag trucknutz across three spaces*
*walks into BDubs, ignores hostess, sits at bar*
“SUP BRO! ONE KEYSTONE LIGHT!”
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