Premiere: Win Come Back From The Dead‘s New Album, Solve A Mystery

July 2, 2019

1957

Slap v. Whip divides nation

Conflict rocked the country when heavy metal distribution facility Transcending Obscurity (TO) first made known their plans to deploy a collection of recorded music (an “album”), titled The Rise of the Blind Ones, by the Spanish death metal artists Come Back From The Dead (CBFTD). While insiders proclaimed, as they are wont to do, that the work of the group is comparable to auditory experiences provided in the past by ensembles operating under names like Autopsy, Obliteration, and Entombed, a heated debate ensued about the exact effect that “Restless In Putrescence” – the first “track” that “dropped”, to use scene speak – had on the listener.

While the range of possible effects was quickly narrowed down to the options “it slaps” and “it whips,” disagreement over which of the two was predominant caused enough of a dispute for the case of Slap v. Whip to eventually seep out of insider circles and catch the attention of the nation’s best and brightest, who came in on both sides of the issue. A famous shaved muppet from the right side of the political spectrum tweeted “Slaps don’t care about your feelings.” An even famouser actor, currently painted blue, went so far as to re-christen himself Whip Smith. The president, to no one’s surprise, weighed in with some statement that didn’t make a lick of sense and simultaneously betrayed his ignorance of economics, geography, and most other subjects you can think of. The offending parties, however, remained silent – until now.

With “Martyr Of A Gruesome Demise,” TO and CBFTD intend to give another clue that may help to clear the matter up, and have chosen to do so via this very site. The journalists* here at the Toilet ov Hell have pored over this new puzzle piece all through the weekend, and came away with more questions than answers. Listen for yourself, but do not expect to so much as inch closer to a solution.

Naturally, the ominous intro with its mid-tempo beat and the gruff vocal performance would lead one to conclude that the music slaps. However, in regards to the groove of the ensuing transition and the d-beat-driven verse, scientists noted symptoms that strongly indicated whippage when they exposed sacks to these parts in a controlled lab environment. As if this impending schism amongst staff wasn’t enough, matters were further complicated by a rogue third party who, perhaps in an attempt at “gatekeeping”, insisted that everyone but them was clueless and that the evidence at hand could only mean that the music “rips.”

In short, dear readers, we require your help. We require people to delve deeper than heretofore possible.

We have the ability to furnish a number of you with digital copies of the full array of recordings made for this album.

Experts believe that a full survey of the material may eventually lead to a conclusion. All you need to qualify for the mission is a) to understand that you do this at your own risk – the Toilet ov Hell is not liable for any damages incurred along the way – and b) to prove that you have the expertise required for this experience. To that end, venture further into the embedded example and

identify the part commonly called a “guitar solo” and tell us at which point in the song you believe it starts. Send the timestamp to toiletovhell@gmail.com with “Slap v Whip” stamped on the envelope.

If you succeed, you may be picked for the task, in which case you will be briefed via a direct message. All that remains for us to say at this point is good luck, godspeed, and please come back with an answer – we have no idea what hashtag to put on this whole affair, and it’s killing us.