Shirt Stains: Attila
Sorry about your merch.
Attila are an interesting band in that they’ve managed to create quite the following despite a large majority of the metal world completely hating their guts. Props to them for carving out a niche made entirely of asshole teenagers and community college burnouts. Someone had to fill the void left by Limp Bizkit, ditching 2nd period English class to smoke weed behind the gym, and paint fumes. Thankfully, Attila have created an entire slew of obnoxious t-shirts to let you know who to avoid.
Fronz and company certainly have a way with words. And by “way” I mean they mash them all together in the world’s most cringe-worthy word salad. Actually, word salad isn’t really the correct term since salads are usually considered healthy. Attila’s lyrics are more like week-old room temperature word goulash. You ingest some of it and have to use all up your vacation days at work just to recover. Just read this shirt in one straight sentence: “Attila 666 PARTY WITH THE DEVIL BITCH RAGEAHOLICS ANONYMOUS”. Even with punctuation, none of that makes sense. Of course most of this shirt is in ALL CAPS. That’s the only way the band knows how to express themselves.
Wait, I can get two FREE MP3 Downloads if I buy this shirt from MerchNow.com? Oh, goodie, goodie gumdrops! It’s free, but technically, you do have to pay with your dignity and self-respect.
Words words words words. Again with the word vomit. I hope Attila knows that they’re not required to cover a majority of their shirts with text. I also hope they know that by spouting a bunch of nonsense on their shirts that they’re lowering the collective IQs of our nation’s youth. They’re already fairly illiterate to begin with, so this is just making things worse. All that eye strain from staring at Snapchatted butts and stuff. So many words and none of it really meaning a goddamned thing.
“I LET MY ACTIONS SPEAK LOUD.” K. Cool. Good for you, I guess. Whatevs. This shirt manages to be “try-hard” and “Not-trying-hard-enough” at the same time. It would be impressive if it wasn’t so sad. Kind of like the models terrible tattoos. I hope he put that Jesus fish on his hand in order to stop chronically masturbating. Judging by his hair and soul patch, this model is the unholy love child of David Bowie and Trent Reznor during their “I’m Afraid Of Americans” collaboration. Or maybe some poor woman slipped and fell crotch first on a hotel room floor that was once used by Nikki Sixx. He could have been one of the other guys in Everclear. Really makes you think.
This shirt is what happens when you drink passion fruit vape juice. This shirt flunks out of McDonald’s Hamburger University. This shirt gets arrested for exposing itself to the Barbies section of a Toys R Us. This shirt goes to the emergency room with an orange-stained dick after a night of eating Cheetos and watching porn. This shirt saves it’s ass lint. This shirt contacts women on Tinder by asking “How deep?” This shirt asks everyone within earshot if it looks high. This shirt answers the door naked on purpose. This shirt puts 20 local bands on a bill with 1 national band and calls it a “fest”. This shirt starts off every Facebook post with “I don’t like drama, but…”
This shirt doesn’t even have the guts to be one of those hideous, all-over prints. It’s the equivalent of some loud douche saying he’ll kick anyone’s ass and when someone finally steps up, he backs down and goes back to sipping on his $8 chocolate espresso-flavored IPA. The band gets one point for remembering to put their name at the top and minus a million points for putting a hashtag directly beneath it. But don’t worry, fam, this crusty mustard yellow hashtag is spray-painted on because Attila is so wild, and tough, and totes street, yo. Ya’ll feel me, Fronz Durst? Word.
Then they lose a billion points for lazily copying and pasting the same picture of a faceless woman’s backside all over the shirt. It’s almost as if Atilla has a problem with women. Don’t worry, we’ll deal with those and other gross pieces of merch in a separate post. Seems like it’s a scene-wide issue. Attila – Creating woman-hating sociopaths since MTV unleashed Fronzie unto the world.
Shakespeare could not have said it better himself.