Swellin’ To The Jammiez: The First Edition
Sup bros and broettes!? Paris Hilton here. A few months ago, I decided to take a break from getting drunk and stoned with my homegirls so I could comment on that site that shall remain nameless *flush*. I just wanted to discuss Metal, write some shitty jokes, and even piss off an IMN or two in my spare time. Never would I have thought that I’d end up a regular poster and then a blogger myself! For now, I’d like to discuss the relationship between exercise and the genre we all know and love: Heavy Metal.
As we all know, Metal can be a very demanding genre of music. The fans have to headbang, slam into sweaty dudes when there’s some sick pit riffment, and deal with an assault on all senses at shows. Those who play in bands spend weeks at a time putting their body to the test by bombarding it with shitty food, cheap beer, exhausting shows, and disappointing their parents. Because of this, every good Metalhead knows the importance of keeping his/her body in top condition!
This is where Joe and I come in. Every Sunday we will alternate our own renditions of Swellin To The Jammiez! A weekly post of the heaviest and hottest tunes that YOU need to keep your body in good enough condition to live the Metal life. To kick things off, I’m gonna start with a few workout staples of mine that I rock when I’m gettin’ my swell on. The way this post is organized is I will be citing a few of my staples in different phases of my workout. So kick back, mix a protein shake, and enjoy!
1. The Warm-up
It’s 6:30 p.m., you’ve been working for the fuckin’ man all day. You’re exhausted. You’d much rather be at home with your Playstation, a beer, and big ol’ bowl of chips. It’s time to get on a cardio machine for a few minutes and get in the fucking zone.
When I need to get pumped up I need tunes that have super inspirational lyrics. Now, what band can you think of whose lyrics are 100% about overcoming adversity? Why it’s Hatebreed, of course! C’mon, did you really think I’d make a workout tunes post without Hatebreed?
This classic Hatebreed gem has been a workout essential of mine for years. It’s a fucking song for meatheads, there’s no doubt about it, but that’s the beauty of it. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever listened to a Hatebreed song outside of a gym.
2. Party Time
You’ve coaxed yourself into your workout and it’s goin’ great! Your endorphins are through the roof and you’re feelin’ “The Pump” big time! (For those of you who don’t know what The Pump feels like, it’s like a magical combination of heroin and cocaine.) Personally, this is the time of my workout I like to have a bit of fun, so I put metal on the back burner during this phase.
When I go to metal shows; I see dudes with serious scowls on their faces standing totally still and not moving or cracking a smile during the entire night. Know what those dudes need? The same thing I give myself every workout. A big, thick, frosty serving of the funk!
When I get my funk on at the gym, I need to have my T.M. Stevens. His music is almost a perfect representation of my music tastes. Heavy enough to headbang to, yet funky enough to dance to!
When you have all of those sweet, sweet endorphins running through your veins here’s a couple more tunes that’ll keep the fun in your workout!
This one is a remix of the track Go Hard, from Kreayshawn’s less-than-stellar last release. Usually remixes are sub par, but this one puts a whole new, fresh sound to the song. The bass drops are hella catchy and heavy. They almost sound like an electric version of some killer guitar riffs.
Here’s another jam of mine for when I’m up in the gym or on my way to a party. Big Chocolate is an EDM artist that I feel still represents the DIY attitude of metal really well, plus he’s a huge nerd that used to record death metal tunes in his basement (according to Sgt. D). Not only are the bass drops and production of this track beyond amazing, especially for a DIY track, but the lyrics also have that “I’m the shit” attitude that I love for my swole sessions.
3. Kratos Mode
This is the phase of the workout where metal starts to come back into the picture. You’ve been lifting for a good 15 minutes now, and there’s a little bit of blood left in your testosterone levels. You are the fucking strongest, toughest badass with the best body in the gym. Unless of course Troy era Brad Pitt were to stroll in at that moment.
Take your gorgeous hair and body that I’m totally NOT jealous of and fuck off!
When this happens, now’s the time to get some tunes that make you want to fuck up everything in sight. For me, Homicidal Retribution by Dying Fetus is an absolute classic for this! The technicality, heaviness, and lyrics composed of piss, vinegar, and testosterone make it perfect for when you need to smash some weights to let off some steam! *I’m posting the lyric video, because the music video for this song is royally stupid. Sorry, not sorry.*
Another little instrumental jam that’s perfect for a tough set is Industrial Quarter by Disfiguring The Goddess. Imagine, you’re about the break your bench press PR, that fly 8/10 cardio bunny on the elliptical (or that 8/10 beefcake doing some yoga; we’re about equality here on Toilet Ov Hell) is eyin’ you up like a you’re a cold drink of water. You and I both know you’re way too weird to go up and say hi to them like a normal person, so giving them a chance to mire your gains is your only hope! Put this short, heavy as fuck 2 minute breakdown on, and you’ll not only smash your bench press PR, but that cutie in the locker room as well!
Yeah, I know I’m going to get in shit for this one. But it fucking pumps me up so much. Fuck the haters, this is a killer workout tune. That’s all I gotta say about this one.
4. The Burnout
It’s now the end of the workout and you’re feeling exhausted. It wouldn’t be the end of the world to skip out on a few sets and those awful tricep dips, right? Wrong. Quit being a pussy, and put some of these tunes on to get you back on track!
Here’s a disclaimer for those of you… well… more on the euphoric side of things. This DMX song has some religious themes to it, hence the name of the song. But this beat is so tight, and the lyrics make you feel like you can accomplish anything no matter what! Give it a chance. If this song doesn’t make you want to grab your shitty life by the balls, twist, and then knock it’s fucking teeth right out, then consult your doctor to ask if AndroGel is right for you.
Besides, sometimes I like to feel as if I’m getting strength from a higher power when I’m at the end of my wits from a hard training session. Not everything in life is logical.
Whiny, Miserable Assholes With Really Bad Fashion. Together We Can Find The Cure.
Here’s a few more tunes to get your “Get up and go” for when you’re burnt out!
*Disclaimer: I don’t get wrapped up in that whole “Real Death Metal is better than scene kid Deathcore” shit. This song is heavy as fuck and has groovy, heavy riffs. I’m easy to please, that’s all I ask for.*
The two following songs are by far my favorite workout tunes! You’ve probably heard all of these songs before. I probably don’t give a fuck.
And that’s all for my end, folks! I don’t know how to end these things, so let me leave you with this:
What songs do YOU jam when you’re up getting swole!? Why is my taste in music so shitty!? Will anybody be as jacked as James Pligge!? You can discuss these questions and more in the comments, or my Workout Tunes Thread.