This Toilet Tuesday (6/30/15)
You would consider this fourth of July a success: you and your bros have gotten hammered beyond all hope and reason, blasted only the most American of metal (Five Finger Death Punch, of course), catcalled at all the totally hot babes walking by (who tried their best to ignore you), and celebrated your country by blowing up a small part of it. All the revelry is starting to back up on you, though. Maybe chugging a whole 24-pack of Natty Ice wasn’t a great idea after all, and you think you might have gotten a concussion when you fell on your head trying to do a one-man keg stand. You inform the nearest bro that you’ll be right back before you rush to the bathroom.
Standing aghast amidst vomitous carnage, you barely remember the last thirty minutes. You must have begun throwing up before you actually reached the toilet; puke coats the floor leading up to the defiled throne, which is caked in drying vomit. The bowl itself has been filled up to the brim with noxious bile, and a long, chunky stain runs down the front of your shirt. All you know right now is your friend is going to kill you for ruining his bathroom. Your mind equally addled by alcohol and brain-bleed, you decide to eliminate the evidence. Pulling a lighter and the massive firecracker from the crotch of your sagging gym shorts, you ignite the fuse and drop it into the bowl.
*plop*
The lid of the toilet suddenly slams itself shut, dowsing the fuse. Two long cracks form near the bottom of the tank, and a pair of spindly arms and legs burst forth from it. “WHAT THE FUCK, BRO!” you squeal in horror. You take a step back and slip in the puddle of vomit. With lightning speed, the porcelain monstrosity catches you with its deceptively strong arms and forces you headfirst into the bowl. Your bones disintegrate and grind your innards to a pulp as you are crammed into its tiny throat. Once you are fully consumed, it sits back down, retracts its limbs, and flushes once. Justice has been served; all evidence of this passing is gone.
Let the toilet consume you on This Toilet Tuesday.
Grond – Cosmic Devonian (Grotesque Sounds Productions) [Death Metal]
Listen to “White Waters of South”
The last time Grond surfaced here, it was to smash your pearly gates of ignorance about J.R.R. Tolkien like a lupine hellhammer of sonic monstrosity. Thankfully, the trolls have come to siege the citadel once again! “White Waters of South” isn’t much of a deviation from the Moscow band’s past material. If you like gritty death metal with mud-covered, many-tentacled riffs, you’re in for a treat. FFO: Monstrosity, Prognathe, Mammoth Grinder (W.)
Valdur – Pathetic Scum (Independent) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Blessings of the Goat”
There’s a reason disciples of the Evil One often take goats as their symbols: goats are totally sick, untrustworthy beings. Need proof? Here you go. “Blessings of the Goat” by Valdur is the audio-equivalent of that gif. It twists and turns and leers at you menacingly. Revolting! Inhuman! Baaaaahhhh! FFO: Sxuperion, Weverin, Cavernous OSDM (W.)
Lungs – As Dust Reaches The Earth (Minnesconsin Records) [Sludge]
Listen to “Call to the Giants”
We were proud to debut the Lungs track “Never The Sun” from As Dust Reaches The Earth last week on Toilet Ov Hell, and now this beast of an album is officially available to purchase on CD or digital download via Minnesconsin Records. The murky atmosphere of this album is tangible and overwhelming. All seven tracks contrast stomping doom with disarming quiet, never relenting on emotive, aching vocals that imbue every riff with a consistent, weary anxiety. Recommended listening for the purging of inner demons and harvesting of great emotional Truth. (HessianHunter)
Failure – The Heart Is A Monster (INresidence) [Space Rock]
Listen
The day has finally arrived – Failure put out their first album in almost two decades and it’s a banger from front to back. “The Heart Is A Monster is a fabulous, timeless rock album that I am certain will still sound fresh in twenty years’ time, just as Failure’s previous efforts have done. In a time where ’90s worship is at a fever pitch, the masters have come back to show us all how it’s done. Take notes, kids.” – (from full TovH review.) (HessianHunter)
Sorrowful – In The Rainfall (Solitude Productions) [Doom]
Listen to “The Last Journey”
An apt name these Swedes have chosen. This some old school death/doom laden with rueful melodies. Kinda like Earth V:S if they weren’t so goddamn slow or Draconian if they were less “gothic.” (Karhu)
Dead Hand – Storm of Demiurge (Divine Mother Recordings) [Doom]
Stream
These guys have obviously heard of YOB and want to be signed by Neurot Recordings. Guys, if you’re reading this – just drop the hints of stoner and you’ll get there eventually. (Karhu)
Tulsadoom – Storms of the Netherworld (Nihilistic Empire Records) [Thrash]
Listen to “Storms of the Netherworld,” “Skulls”
If you’re going to write songs about Conan the Barbarian, you’d damned well better have Schwarzeneggeresque levels of meat on your riffs. In that respect, Tulsadoom do not disappoint, bringing the old-school thrashy goodness in spades. Crank it up; before you know it, you’ll have crushed your enemies, seen them driven before you, AND heard the lamentations of the women. (Spear)
Abnormal Thought Patterns – Altered States of Consciousness (Lifeforce Records) [Prog Metal]
Listen to “Nocturnal Haven”
Abyssion – Luonnon harmonia ja vihreä liekki (Svart Records) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Kosmoksesta tuli hautani”
After All – Rejection Overruled (Sideburn Records/PIAS) [Thrash]
Listen to “Rejection Overruled”
Alda – Passage (Bindrune Recordings) [Black Metal]
Amiensus – Ascension (Independent) [Melodeath]
Listen to “What Words Create,” “One in Spirit”
Bearstorm – Americanus (Grimoire Records) [Blackened Prog]
Listen to “Glacial Relic/Riparian Forest”
Dawn of a Dark Age – The Six Elements, Vol. 3: Fire (Independent) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Enonga’s Bells 1566 a.d.”
Demon Lung – A Dracula (Candlelight Records) [Doom]
Gravesite – Horrifying Nightmares… (Xtreem Music) [Death Metal]
Listen to “Submerged in Vomit”
Greywalker – Beyond All Mortal (Bad Idea Collective) [Melodeath]
Listen to “Beyond All Mortal”
Hyades – The Wolves Are Getting Hungry (Punishment 18 Records) [Thrash]
Preview
I Am The Trireme – Gnosis: Never Follow the Light (Horror Pain Gore Death) [Black Metal]
Listen to “A Sullen Reflection of Purity”
Infera Bruo – In Conjuration (Bindrune Recordings) [Black Metal]
Preview
Jameson Raid – Uninvited Guests (Independent) [Heavy Metal]
Preview
Jungle Rot – Order Shall Prevail (Victory Records) [Death Metal]
Listen to “Paralyzed Prey”
Kekal – Multilateral (Independent) [Progressive Metal]
Listen
King Giant – Black Ocean Waves (Independent) [Heavy Rock]
Stream
Last Joker – Ulterior Motives (Into the LimeLight Records) [I Move Away From the Mic to Breathe In]
Listen to “Kissed by the Lake”
Natur – The Invitation (Electric Assault Records) [Speed Metal]
Listen to “The Invitation”
OHHMS – Cold (Holy Roar Records) [Post-Metal/Sludge]
Old Graves – This Ruin Beneath Snowfall (Naturmacht Productions) [Blackened Doom]
Stream
Paramite – Diabolical Invocation (Rotting Tape Records) [Death Metal]
Listen to “Cult Suicide”
Rito Profanatorio – Grimorios e invocaciones desde el templo de la perversión (Dunkelheit Prod) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Rameras del Diablo”
Sylvania – Transylvania (Rock-CD Records) [Power Metal]
Listen to “Finis Templarii”
Tearless – Step into Darkness (Wormholedeath) [Dark Metal]
Listen to “Dreams of You”
Thornesbreed – GTRD (Art of Propaganda) [Black Metal]
Listen to “Dividua Anima Pt I”
Torturous Inception – Headfirst Into Oblivion (Unleash the Underground) [Brutal Death]
Listen to “The Last Infected”
Vacivus – Rite of Ascension (Goatprayer Records) [Blackened Death]
Stream
Vulto Abissal – Queen of the Dark Depths (Cripta Discos) [lolbuttz]
Listen to “Queen of the Dark Depths”
William English – Basic Human Error (Grandad Records) [Hardcore/Sludge]
Listen to “Bud Vessel”
Did we forget a new release? Is there a way we could improve this list? Let us know in the comments below!
(Images VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, and VIA)
